What doesn't kill us...

So I like to believe those old "Roseanne" theme song lyrics, "What doesn't kill us is making us stronger..." I'd like to believe that no matter how hard things get, no matter what challenges lie in front of us, and no matter how badly we want to give up, we will survive. We will rise above, overcome, and walk away from it all just fine. But that's not the case, is it?
Today we get the results from the polysomnogram. It has me a complete mess of nerves. Thankfully, we've gone through an entire week with no episodes. Thankfully, she's not blue. Thankfully, all is well on the outside. We'll see what comes of our appointment today...it could end a number of ways, and honestly as long as we find out that it WILL in fact be okay, then I'm good with it.
In other news, I've learned this week that you can truly rely on no one except yourself and God. I've learned that not one person will ever truly be there ALL the time...well, I have a sister who is there for me ALL the time...but all others, will inevitably turn their backs. It's an awful feeling to feel so alone when all you want is a friend, a supportive hug, words of encouragement. You would think in such a time, family would pull closer. I mean, seriously, we're 1000 miles from family, my husband is gone ALL the time with the Army, and it seems my world is falling apart. But, instead, everyone pulls the "out of sight, out of mind" and shows no concern or compassion. Instead, people initiate drama, and reiterate their contempt for me...but what doesn't kill me will make me stronger. And instead of mourning the loss of relationships I could have had...instead of mourning the loss of the relationships lost...I've decided to pray for those who do wrong to us. Now, at this given moment, that may be a great deal of people (and some you would think one wouldn't have to pray for), but that's okay. I've got strong knees and insomnia...so I have all the time in the world to ensure my prayer list is complete.

Have a little faith...

Not only is this the title of my very favorite Mitch Albom novel, but it is also a great way to live. Have a little faith is not necessarily a comment made purely tied to religious sentiments either...you can have faith beyond the Bible of course. *Not to say that religious faith is a bad thing, it's quite beautiful* Anyway, recently, we've been struggling with some things. Our miracle baby has had quite a few close encounters. Three times now, I've found her blue, unresponsive, and limp. Quite a scare! Thankfully, after some persuasion, she begins to breathe and is fine. This has been going on for a while now, and we've had some tests done but now wait (impatiently might I add) for the results. Needless to say, this has not been sitting well for me. I've developed some control issues in my adult life, as a defense mechanism I suppose. In this specific instance, I want to hover over her, monitoring her every movement, and her every respiration. I want to stay awake and watch her every single second of the day...and honestly, for the first few days, I tried REALLY hard to do this. But, then (somewhat out of the blue) I realized, I am not in control of this. I have absolutely no control. I can do everything in my power (make sure she sleeps with no blankets, pillows, stuffed animals, etc), but even if I sit there and hover over her, I am still not in control. I found this thought to be almost paralyzing. I cannot fathom not being in control of how long my children are with me. I cannot imagine now waking up just in the nick of time, and instead not catching this and coming to the rescue. I cannot imagine this, and frankly don't want to. So instead of wearing myself out completely, running myself ragged, and just going completely insane, I realized I must remain a pillar of strength for her, my son, and my husband. I have to be fully in control...but OF MYSELF! What a novel concept. I am in control, but it wasn't the control I thought I needed to have...I must control my reaction. I have to learn to have faith...not only that God will do what he must, and will only give what I can handle; but also, I must learn to have faith in myself and the situations that present. I am in control, I just have to learn how to have enough faith in humanity and life itself so that next time this happens, I can contain that control to my own personal spastic knee-jerk reaction. It's a difficult concept to digest really, but once you let go, and just pray for the best...things really start to calm down.