Recently, my body has been fighting me. Sounds odd, I know...but any of you with an Autoimmune disease can truly understand what I mean when I say, I am my own worst enemy. I've felt like poo. Fourteen day migraine, loss of coordination, feeling like I'm having tremors...I could go on forever. No point really. Then, today, the hubs' unit has a Christmas party. No big deal, right? Wrong! SHE is there...and there are pregnant people everywhere! Seriously? How on Earth are so many of these people fertile?! You've GOT to be kidding me. Everywhere I turned, there was a grim and somewhat vicious reminder of everything I can never be. The woman that has nearly ruined my marriage was everywhere I turned; what's worse, so was pregnancy. I had been doing so well with getting over it all. Over the indiscretions, the dishonesty, the lust, the lies, the hurt, and the feelings of inadequacy...and over the infertility, the feelings of failure and again of inadequacy. But, tonight I was challenged. For whatever reason, I was put to the ultimate test when I truly don't even feel like being awake, let alone mixed with the general population. But sure enough...there it all was, staring me in the face, as if to say, "come on...show us how strong you are now." And, I failed. I couldn't breathe. I felt as though everything I had suppressed with hours upon hours of sewing and crocheting and meditation and prayer was there to sabotage my successes! I broke out into a sweat, and just literally felt like I was going to have a melt down. I had one friend there, and he was a MAJOR contributor to my problems. I haven't forgotten. I've forgiven, but I cannot continue to have these feelings and bitterness emerge every time we're in this situation, or any future situation that may open scars. I had to get out of there. I took off. Yup...flight or fight...and I flew out that front door, into the biting cold, and unforgiving Oklahoma wind. I could breathe again (even though the cold and wind were taking my breath, I could breathe more than I could inside). I suppose part of this is good, though it simply reiterates how much I will never measure up. I suppose part of this is helpful, for I have to face and come to grips with what might have been...and what can never be. However, at the moment, I feel like a failure in every sense of the term. I let myself down, my husband down, and I'm so disappointed in the fact that I was disillusioned. I haven't moved on. I'm not fine. It's NOT okay! It's just NOT! I'm still mad. I'm still hurt. I'm still having those same feelings...I'm just ignoring them. That's not okay, that's denial. Here I am...queen of denial. Not cool man...just not cool.
So, now I've got to figure out what's next. I thought we patched this hole in our union. I thought I moved on and let go of the resentment I built because of the betrayal. I was wrong (someone should note this date...this isn't something I say often). I thought I was ready to re-emerge from self-induced seclusion, and face the fact that I am now infertile. I thought I was okay to see pregnant women and not break down and cry, or get that horrid lump in my throat as I make those squishy tear-fighting faces...nope. I was wrong again! I hate being wrong. So now, now that I've had this fantastically untimely epiphany, I've got to figure out what's next...what now?
My life, my love, my world
Friday, December 9, 2011
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Undercover blessings
If you stop what you're doing right now, and look all around you, I'm confident you'll see beauty. Sure, you'll notice that you have yet to finish cleaning up after your last meal, or you have to repaint your den, or you need to service your car, or you want to add some landscaping to your front yard. If you stop what you're doing right now, and focus on your body, I'm confident you'll see beauty. Sure, you may have over eaten on Thanksgiving, or you need to touch up your roots, or your arthritis is acting up because of all this chilly weather. But tell me, how many blessings do you see?
In the middle of September, I was told by doctors that I would never carry another child unless I used assistive surgeries like IUI or IVF. These surgeries are quite frankly outrageous! $15 g's and there is NO guarantee the egg will take or thrive. Wow, I don't know about you, but I certainly do not have $15 grand to throw at an arrogant doctor, who may or may not care about the success of the procedure, especially not while we have such a socialist in the White House. I was devastated. My husband took a couple hours off work to attend the appointment with me. As we walked from the doctor's office, he was silent, but tense. The grief was palpable. He knew just how I was feeling, exactly what I was thinking. He knew. When we arrived at our cars (we drove separately and he met us there), he tried so desperately to comfort me, but I held firm that all was well, and he was fine to return to his job. I was lying. After he pulled away and was out of sight, I sat there...car running...staring at the beautiful clouds, the blue sky, the changing leaves, all the beauty. Tears were streaming down my face, and I began to sob. "Why!" I just wanted to know why...I'm a GOOD mother. I love my two children. I'm supportive, I'm compassionate, I'm affectionate, I'm playful, and just adore children period. Why is it, then, that such horrible people can have babies with no struggle? I have cousins who have 12 kids between the two of them, and they've completely walked away from each one of those babies. They choose drugs, partying, and men over their own children. They have no hesitation when they give each baby to it's Grandma, or father, or whomever. I know people, right now, who are pregnant and are complaining because the baby isn't a boy or girl or whatever...or they didn't want another child. I grew up with a mother who chose drugs, partying, drinking, bars, and the wild scene over all six of her own children...SIX! But, I am not blessed enough to have six? Or three for that matter??
After a couple months of hidden tears, silent prayers, break downs in the oval office, and resentment...I've learned so much about myself and God. Our God is a loving God. He is gracious, merciful, and giving. He is, after all, the man responsible for giving us all that breaths, all the we see, all of everything. Each one of us have what I'll call skills (as I reference Napoleon Dynamite while discussing religion...gotta love the way the mind works). God is not oblivious to these skills, as He is the one who made us! My skill set is very apparent, as I wear my emotions on my sleeve. Children are at the very core of my heart. Each time I hear of something awful happening to these innocent little ones who want nothing more than love and acceptance, I just cringe and cry my eyes out. Each time I ask myself, and pray, and wonder "how can I serve our Lord, where can I reach out?" I come back to the same place. My newly diagnosed infertility is NOT a curse. It is NOT a punishment. It's what I'll call an undercover blessing.
Sometimes in life, things happen. At the time, they are devastating, and horrible, and heart wrenching. But eventually, because of these events, we are lead to where we are supposed to be, we find an opening that allows us to do what we were always meant to do. If you read in the Bible, it is stated clearly that we will not understand God's ways, and we aren't meant to understand them. I questioned our Lord, and was angry, and sad, and hurt...but now, I turn to Him and throw up my hands in praise! Holy, holy, holy! Our Lord works in amazing ways! I may never bring another child into this world, but I can bring love, stability, compassion, and Christianity to those who have nothing. I can advocate for those who are abused. I can reach out to those who are being raised as I was raised. Now that my body is freed, and my grief is dwindling, I can focus on what He wants me to do. I have been so selfish, wanting Him to do more for me...but what have I done for Him?
So, when you start letting things get to you, and you start getting grumpy, or bitter, or even just angry about what you DON'T have...look around you. You have more than you'll ever know...at least until you open your eyes and your heart!
In the middle of September, I was told by doctors that I would never carry another child unless I used assistive surgeries like IUI or IVF. These surgeries are quite frankly outrageous! $15 g's and there is NO guarantee the egg will take or thrive. Wow, I don't know about you, but I certainly do not have $15 grand to throw at an arrogant doctor, who may or may not care about the success of the procedure, especially not while we have such a socialist in the White House. I was devastated. My husband took a couple hours off work to attend the appointment with me. As we walked from the doctor's office, he was silent, but tense. The grief was palpable. He knew just how I was feeling, exactly what I was thinking. He knew. When we arrived at our cars (we drove separately and he met us there), he tried so desperately to comfort me, but I held firm that all was well, and he was fine to return to his job. I was lying. After he pulled away and was out of sight, I sat there...car running...staring at the beautiful clouds, the blue sky, the changing leaves, all the beauty. Tears were streaming down my face, and I began to sob. "Why!" I just wanted to know why...I'm a GOOD mother. I love my two children. I'm supportive, I'm compassionate, I'm affectionate, I'm playful, and just adore children period. Why is it, then, that such horrible people can have babies with no struggle? I have cousins who have 12 kids between the two of them, and they've completely walked away from each one of those babies. They choose drugs, partying, and men over their own children. They have no hesitation when they give each baby to it's Grandma, or father, or whomever. I know people, right now, who are pregnant and are complaining because the baby isn't a boy or girl or whatever...or they didn't want another child. I grew up with a mother who chose drugs, partying, drinking, bars, and the wild scene over all six of her own children...SIX! But, I am not blessed enough to have six? Or three for that matter??
After a couple months of hidden tears, silent prayers, break downs in the oval office, and resentment...I've learned so much about myself and God. Our God is a loving God. He is gracious, merciful, and giving. He is, after all, the man responsible for giving us all that breaths, all the we see, all of everything. Each one of us have what I'll call skills (as I reference Napoleon Dynamite while discussing religion...gotta love the way the mind works). God is not oblivious to these skills, as He is the one who made us! My skill set is very apparent, as I wear my emotions on my sleeve. Children are at the very core of my heart. Each time I hear of something awful happening to these innocent little ones who want nothing more than love and acceptance, I just cringe and cry my eyes out. Each time I ask myself, and pray, and wonder "how can I serve our Lord, where can I reach out?" I come back to the same place. My newly diagnosed infertility is NOT a curse. It is NOT a punishment. It's what I'll call an undercover blessing.
Sometimes in life, things happen. At the time, they are devastating, and horrible, and heart wrenching. But eventually, because of these events, we are lead to where we are supposed to be, we find an opening that allows us to do what we were always meant to do. If you read in the Bible, it is stated clearly that we will not understand God's ways, and we aren't meant to understand them. I questioned our Lord, and was angry, and sad, and hurt...but now, I turn to Him and throw up my hands in praise! Holy, holy, holy! Our Lord works in amazing ways! I may never bring another child into this world, but I can bring love, stability, compassion, and Christianity to those who have nothing. I can advocate for those who are abused. I can reach out to those who are being raised as I was raised. Now that my body is freed, and my grief is dwindling, I can focus on what He wants me to do. I have been so selfish, wanting Him to do more for me...but what have I done for Him?
So, when you start letting things get to you, and you start getting grumpy, or bitter, or even just angry about what you DON'T have...look around you. You have more than you'll ever know...at least until you open your eyes and your heart!
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
"I gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which I must stop and look fear in the face...I say to myself, I’ve lived through this and can take the next thing that comes along." -- Eleanor Roosevelt
The quote above was listed in my facebook news feed this morning. It nearly jumped off the page at me, and fit so many things in my life right now!
Yesterday I had a doc appointment (uro) for a cystoscopy. Let me tell you without being too descriptive...it hurt. It still hurts today. But that's neither here nor there. I was diagnosed with Interstitial Cystitis. For nearly two months now, the docs have assumed I have IC. They have discussed it, squabbled over it, and wasted my time and tax payer's dollars. Finally, they sent me to Doc Crimmins (great guy btw) and he officially diagnosed it. I'm thankful he was so thorough and did the cystoscopy to rule out anything deeper or more severe; but, I could have lived without the pain. He (like Doc Haas) mentioned concerns over the uterine hyperplastic growth. He also mentioned that the Adenomyosis may contribute to some of the flares of IC. Lastly, he requested that I see a GI doc. Of course, he didn't know my PCM already put a referral in, and I have an appointment Dec 15th to see the most widely sought Gastroenterologist in this half of Oklahoma. Amazingly enough, he's right in Lawton, so what proves to be hours of traveling for others is simply twenty minutes for me! Thankfully! This is the first specialist I've seen in Lawton, so it's nice to not have to account for much travel time. My PCM thinks I have Crohn's. The uro said he can't diagnose is (for obvious reasons) but he also confirmed that to him, it does sound like Crohns. I'm not thrilled about this. This is just another barrier, another hurdle, another challenge. But, this is where that quote from the lovely Eleanor (love that name) Roosevelt comes into play. I've dealt with affliction for years now, and I will overcome or learn to live gracefully with the newest hurdles. A very dear friend (who also suffers from various afflictions) listed some Biblical verses about affliction, and how such pain and suffering can be almost a blessing of sorts.
"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." (2 Cor 12:9)
"When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken." (Psalm 34:17-20)
"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day." (2 Cor 4:16)
One thing I can say about the many diagnoses I have been handed over the past three years is that my relationship with our Lord has only grown. Yes, my pain and affliction does have something to do with this growth. But, I do think I would have pulled in to Him without them. Each day I have my hurdles. Every morning, I have a ritual that is not common for a "normal" person. My life is full of difference, pain, and challenge; but with grace and faith I know that because of these, and because of the ever-growing thorn in my side, He is with me. I know that it could be worse. I could be suffering as much as others. My suffering (though it may seem major from time-to-time) is incredibly minor compared to that of Christ. And if our beloved could suffer like that for each of us, then my battles are minute and worth every second that I am here, in pain, growing closer to Christ.
Aside from affliction, the next month will be quite an emotional challenge for me. The end of November marks the anniversary (if you will) of the last time I spoke to my dear Gramma. To many, it seems silly to mourn the loss of a Gramma so deeply. But, she was our parent. Because my parents were both addicts, and were absent much of our lives, our dearest Grams stepped in and guided us. She was the light through all those years of darkness. She was the laughter when our little hearts just wanted to cry. She was the only form of hope we had, until we were forbidden to see her. I cannot wrap my mind and heart around her absence. Being so far from home makes it seem like I'm simply not calling and being irresponsible, but in reality I can't call for she has left this world. I miss her so greatly. But taking her role in this dysfunctional family has helped to alleviate some of the pain. Learning to sew has helped alleviate the loss. Now, if only I could call her and tell her I learned something she couldn't...how to crochet! I could just imagine her pointing her crooked pointer finger, smelly cigarette in between pointer and middle, and her "quacking" at me...calling me light profanity (LOL) and demanding I teach her! <3
The quote above was listed in my facebook news feed this morning. It nearly jumped off the page at me, and fit so many things in my life right now!
Yesterday I had a doc appointment (uro) for a cystoscopy. Let me tell you without being too descriptive...it hurt. It still hurts today. But that's neither here nor there. I was diagnosed with Interstitial Cystitis. For nearly two months now, the docs have assumed I have IC. They have discussed it, squabbled over it, and wasted my time and tax payer's dollars. Finally, they sent me to Doc Crimmins (great guy btw) and he officially diagnosed it. I'm thankful he was so thorough and did the cystoscopy to rule out anything deeper or more severe; but, I could have lived without the pain. He (like Doc Haas) mentioned concerns over the uterine hyperplastic growth. He also mentioned that the Adenomyosis may contribute to some of the flares of IC. Lastly, he requested that I see a GI doc. Of course, he didn't know my PCM already put a referral in, and I have an appointment Dec 15th to see the most widely sought Gastroenterologist in this half of Oklahoma. Amazingly enough, he's right in Lawton, so what proves to be hours of traveling for others is simply twenty minutes for me! Thankfully! This is the first specialist I've seen in Lawton, so it's nice to not have to account for much travel time. My PCM thinks I have Crohn's. The uro said he can't diagnose is (for obvious reasons) but he also confirmed that to him, it does sound like Crohns. I'm not thrilled about this. This is just another barrier, another hurdle, another challenge. But, this is where that quote from the lovely Eleanor (love that name) Roosevelt comes into play. I've dealt with affliction for years now, and I will overcome or learn to live gracefully with the newest hurdles. A very dear friend (who also suffers from various afflictions) listed some Biblical verses about affliction, and how such pain and suffering can be almost a blessing of sorts.
"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." (2 Cor 12:9)
"When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken." (Psalm 34:17-20)
"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day." (2 Cor 4:16)
One thing I can say about the many diagnoses I have been handed over the past three years is that my relationship with our Lord has only grown. Yes, my pain and affliction does have something to do with this growth. But, I do think I would have pulled in to Him without them. Each day I have my hurdles. Every morning, I have a ritual that is not common for a "normal" person. My life is full of difference, pain, and challenge; but with grace and faith I know that because of these, and because of the ever-growing thorn in my side, He is with me. I know that it could be worse. I could be suffering as much as others. My suffering (though it may seem major from time-to-time) is incredibly minor compared to that of Christ. And if our beloved could suffer like that for each of us, then my battles are minute and worth every second that I am here, in pain, growing closer to Christ.
Aside from affliction, the next month will be quite an emotional challenge for me. The end of November marks the anniversary (if you will) of the last time I spoke to my dear Gramma. To many, it seems silly to mourn the loss of a Gramma so deeply. But, she was our parent. Because my parents were both addicts, and were absent much of our lives, our dearest Grams stepped in and guided us. She was the light through all those years of darkness. She was the laughter when our little hearts just wanted to cry. She was the only form of hope we had, until we were forbidden to see her. I cannot wrap my mind and heart around her absence. Being so far from home makes it seem like I'm simply not calling and being irresponsible, but in reality I can't call for she has left this world. I miss her so greatly. But taking her role in this dysfunctional family has helped to alleviate some of the pain. Learning to sew has helped alleviate the loss. Now, if only I could call her and tell her I learned something she couldn't...how to crochet! I could just imagine her pointing her crooked pointer finger, smelly cigarette in between pointer and middle, and her "quacking" at me...calling me light profanity (LOL) and demanding I teach her! <3
Monday, October 24, 2011
BIG changes!!
So as my husband and I journey through this rebirth together, we have each found our own personal focus. For example, my love has decided he wants to pursue collegiate education in ministry. Moreover, he is now focused on creating a prison ministry in this area. What a great idea! Not only is he working toward a new degree, and trying to help prisoners reconnect with our Lord; but also, he is looking to volunteer with various organizations, is arranging a food drive for the local food bank with his unit, and is also looking to help me make soup and feed the homeless as the cold season inches closer! What a blessing he is to all who encounter him! I am so incredibly lucky to have such a tremendous and inspirational man at my side! Thank you Lord!
As for the rest of us, well Caleb is participating in a soccer tournament this weekend. He seems to be doing well in school, and his frequency of treatments has decreased substantially. We are due for another session, but I keep praying that his place on the spectrum will fade as he grows and learns more of the "acceptable" actions, thoughts, and so on. Autism is not an easy beast to live with, it's the giant elephant in the room, it's the huge hurdle we carry with us everywhere. Thankfully, we're slowly making connections with others who understand and share the same challenges.
Miss Hannah is doing well. She (at 13 months) can now tell you what a cat and dog both say. She also kisses everything and everyone she meets LOL she has a smile for everyone, and dances like there is no tomorrow! Currently, she loves Bubble Guppies, and the Fresh Beat Band's song "A Friend Like You" I have never seen a little chubby baby run and dance like this! So CUTE! <3 Again, how blessed am I to have such adorable, strong, and inspirational people all around?!
As for myself, well I have an interview tomorrow (not really an interview...more like a meeting of sorts) with a CASA case worker, and then my training starts on Thursday. I am so incredibly excited to start volunteering with this organization! I want, more than anything, to make a difference in these children's lives. No one ever intervened and gave my siblings and I a chance...no one offered hope for us. We were bred in hatred, raised in violence, and set up for failure from day one. I will not allow that to happen to these children. SO many innocent lives have been lost this past year because of DHS short comings. I pray the Lord helps me, and guides me so that I may do what is absolutely best for the children I encounter. I am incredibly passionate about this cause. But, I am simply a messenger. May HIS will be done, and may HE guide me, and the courts...so that no more precious children be lost, no more babies fall victim...
As for the rest of us, well Caleb is participating in a soccer tournament this weekend. He seems to be doing well in school, and his frequency of treatments has decreased substantially. We are due for another session, but I keep praying that his place on the spectrum will fade as he grows and learns more of the "acceptable" actions, thoughts, and so on. Autism is not an easy beast to live with, it's the giant elephant in the room, it's the huge hurdle we carry with us everywhere. Thankfully, we're slowly making connections with others who understand and share the same challenges.
Miss Hannah is doing well. She (at 13 months) can now tell you what a cat and dog both say. She also kisses everything and everyone she meets LOL she has a smile for everyone, and dances like there is no tomorrow! Currently, she loves Bubble Guppies, and the Fresh Beat Band's song "A Friend Like You" I have never seen a little chubby baby run and dance like this! So CUTE! <3 Again, how blessed am I to have such adorable, strong, and inspirational people all around?!
As for myself, well I have an interview tomorrow (not really an interview...more like a meeting of sorts) with a CASA case worker, and then my training starts on Thursday. I am so incredibly excited to start volunteering with this organization! I want, more than anything, to make a difference in these children's lives. No one ever intervened and gave my siblings and I a chance...no one offered hope for us. We were bred in hatred, raised in violence, and set up for failure from day one. I will not allow that to happen to these children. SO many innocent lives have been lost this past year because of DHS short comings. I pray the Lord helps me, and guides me so that I may do what is absolutely best for the children I encounter. I am incredibly passionate about this cause. But, I am simply a messenger. May HIS will be done, and may HE guide me, and the courts...so that no more precious children be lost, no more babies fall victim...
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Walking through the darkness
As a Christian in today's crazy, hedonistic world it has come to my attention being politically correct, and giving religious freedom, and no persecuting people because of their religious beliefs does not apply when these things are being directed toward my people. Sex, alcohol, partying, violence, it's all becoming so rampant that it is a faux pas to not engage in such behavior. And if you speak out against any of this, shame on you! Such a fuddy duddy...but in reality it's a sad world. Strip clubs have taken precedence over marriage vows. Athieism has taken precedence over the right to believe. Celebrating death has become more prominent than worshiping Jesus because of His death. I cannot begin to tell you how disheartening this is. It almost makes a person want to shut off communication with the outside world. Even those who bear our name, "Christian" are engaging in this behavior and thinking if they simply attend mass on Saturday, or worship services on Sunday then it's okay. They can ask for forgiveness and all is well. Guess what guys, WRONG!!! Sure, God forgives you. Sure if you do something wrong, you can be forgiven. But if you do it wrong, knowing you'll have to ask for forgiveness on Sunday, or knowing that what you're doing is a sin, but you put thoughts of flesh above thoughts of the Spirit...it's a double whammy!! I'm disgusted right now. Not bitter, but certainly in a hermit mood. So sad when people think it's okay for their spouse to lust...as long as he/she comes home to you. So sad when people think drinking 3 or 4 beers every night isn't wrong, or setting a bad example for your children. When did bars become more popular than churches? When did it become okay for Athiests to openly bash Christians, but if it is reciprocated, we're violating their rights? What is wrong with the world today? I mean, seriously people. Get a grip.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Hurdles, blessings, and bumps
Things have been chaotic around the Walsh household recently. Caleb has his first soccer practice this Wednesday. He's incredibly excited. Miss Hannah is trying to walk around a bit by herself and will be ONE in just a short fifteen days! Too quickly! Joe is working, and is in cycle as usual and that means he is a rare face around the homestead. As for me...well I'm a mess truly. I had surgery Monday (the 29th) and that surgery was basically a waste of time and money. I have to have another surgery. Doc wants to do a total hysterectomy, but I'm just not ready. I'm not even 30 yet, and that just seems way too young to have a hysterectomy. So, he said there is another procedure he can do to help me out. But, of course, more surgeries equal more adhesions, which will eventually equate even more pain later on. Not to mention, this is considered a more major surgery than my simple laparoscopies. There will be a more sizable incision in my abdomen, and Doc will be in there longer than simply 20 minutes. I'm nervous. I am uncertain. What am I to do? I told God in all my prayers that I just wanted ONE more child and I'd be happy...now I'm selfishly pushing for one more again. Is this my punishment for being greedy? Am I even being greedy? Do I risk my health to have this surgery now? Or just go ahead and do the hysterectomy and regret it later on? What do I do?
Pray...that's what I do. I pray regularly...and that's the only solace I find. That and overcompensating with my children. I know there are other ways to have more children. We can adopt, we can foster, we can find a surrogate. I know. But, I liked being pregnant. I love it honestly. I guess this is a true hurdle, a true trial, a definite test of faith.
On a side note, my dear husband and son are getting baptized when we go back home!! How exciting!! Just a short two years ago my husband was agnostic and questioning. Now, he's seeking his degree in ministry and getting baptized! Praise the Lord!! Very big things happening here!
Lastly, currently I am searching desperately for ways to minister to children who come from disadvantaged back grounds. This doesn't only mean poor families. I want to reach out to children whose parents are using street drugs, children whose parents are absent for various reasons, children who are growing up in areas where gangs are prevalent...there is such a HUGE need for these children to be positively guided...I just have to find some way to get started. Thus far, no luck. But I'm determined and it will happen!!!
Pray...that's what I do. I pray regularly...and that's the only solace I find. That and overcompensating with my children. I know there are other ways to have more children. We can adopt, we can foster, we can find a surrogate. I know. But, I liked being pregnant. I love it honestly. I guess this is a true hurdle, a true trial, a definite test of faith.
On a side note, my dear husband and son are getting baptized when we go back home!! How exciting!! Just a short two years ago my husband was agnostic and questioning. Now, he's seeking his degree in ministry and getting baptized! Praise the Lord!! Very big things happening here!
Lastly, currently I am searching desperately for ways to minister to children who come from disadvantaged back grounds. This doesn't only mean poor families. I want to reach out to children whose parents are using street drugs, children whose parents are absent for various reasons, children who are growing up in areas where gangs are prevalent...there is such a HUGE need for these children to be positively guided...I just have to find some way to get started. Thus far, no luck. But I'm determined and it will happen!!!
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
What doesn't kill us...
So I like to believe those old "Roseanne" theme song lyrics, "What doesn't kill us is making us stronger..." I'd like to believe that no matter how hard things get, no matter what challenges lie in front of us, and no matter how badly we want to give up, we will survive. We will rise above, overcome, and walk away from it all just fine. But that's not the case, is it?
Today we get the results from the polysomnogram. It has me a complete mess of nerves. Thankfully, we've gone through an entire week with no episodes. Thankfully, she's not blue. Thankfully, all is well on the outside. We'll see what comes of our appointment today...it could end a number of ways, and honestly as long as we find out that it WILL in fact be okay, then I'm good with it.
In other news, I've learned this week that you can truly rely on no one except yourself and God. I've learned that not one person will ever truly be there ALL the time...well, I have a sister who is there for me ALL the time...but all others, will inevitably turn their backs. It's an awful feeling to feel so alone when all you want is a friend, a supportive hug, words of encouragement. You would think in such a time, family would pull closer. I mean, seriously, we're 1000 miles from family, my husband is gone ALL the time with the Army, and it seems my world is falling apart. But, instead, everyone pulls the "out of sight, out of mind" and shows no concern or compassion. Instead, people initiate drama, and reiterate their contempt for me...but what doesn't kill me will make me stronger. And instead of mourning the loss of relationships I could have had...instead of mourning the loss of the relationships lost...I've decided to pray for those who do wrong to us. Now, at this given moment, that may be a great deal of people (and some you would think one wouldn't have to pray for), but that's okay. I've got strong knees and insomnia...so I have all the time in the world to ensure my prayer list is complete.
Today we get the results from the polysomnogram. It has me a complete mess of nerves. Thankfully, we've gone through an entire week with no episodes. Thankfully, she's not blue. Thankfully, all is well on the outside. We'll see what comes of our appointment today...it could end a number of ways, and honestly as long as we find out that it WILL in fact be okay, then I'm good with it.
In other news, I've learned this week that you can truly rely on no one except yourself and God. I've learned that not one person will ever truly be there ALL the time...well, I have a sister who is there for me ALL the time...but all others, will inevitably turn their backs. It's an awful feeling to feel so alone when all you want is a friend, a supportive hug, words of encouragement. You would think in such a time, family would pull closer. I mean, seriously, we're 1000 miles from family, my husband is gone ALL the time with the Army, and it seems my world is falling apart. But, instead, everyone pulls the "out of sight, out of mind" and shows no concern or compassion. Instead, people initiate drama, and reiterate their contempt for me...but what doesn't kill me will make me stronger. And instead of mourning the loss of relationships I could have had...instead of mourning the loss of the relationships lost...I've decided to pray for those who do wrong to us. Now, at this given moment, that may be a great deal of people (and some you would think one wouldn't have to pray for), but that's okay. I've got strong knees and insomnia...so I have all the time in the world to ensure my prayer list is complete.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Have a little faith...
Not only is this the title of my very favorite Mitch Albom novel, but it is also a great way to live. Have a little faith is not necessarily a comment made purely tied to religious sentiments either...you can have faith beyond the Bible of course. *Not to say that religious faith is a bad thing, it's quite beautiful* Anyway, recently, we've been struggling with some things. Our miracle baby has had quite a few close encounters. Three times now, I've found her blue, unresponsive, and limp. Quite a scare! Thankfully, after some persuasion, she begins to breathe and is fine. This has been going on for a while now, and we've had some tests done but now wait (impatiently might I add) for the results. Needless to say, this has not been sitting well for me. I've developed some control issues in my adult life, as a defense mechanism I suppose. In this specific instance, I want to hover over her, monitoring her every movement, and her every respiration. I want to stay awake and watch her every single second of the day...and honestly, for the first few days, I tried REALLY hard to do this. But, then (somewhat out of the blue) I realized, I am not in control of this. I have absolutely no control. I can do everything in my power (make sure she sleeps with no blankets, pillows, stuffed animals, etc), but even if I sit there and hover over her, I am still not in control. I found this thought to be almost paralyzing. I cannot fathom not being in control of how long my children are with me. I cannot imagine now waking up just in the nick of time, and instead not catching this and coming to the rescue. I cannot imagine this, and frankly don't want to. So instead of wearing myself out completely, running myself ragged, and just going completely insane, I realized I must remain a pillar of strength for her, my son, and my husband. I have to be fully in control...but OF MYSELF! What a novel concept. I am in control, but it wasn't the control I thought I needed to have...I must control my reaction. I have to learn to have faith...not only that God will do what he must, and will only give what I can handle; but also, I must learn to have faith in myself and the situations that present. I am in control, I just have to learn how to have enough faith in humanity and life itself so that next time this happens, I can contain that control to my own personal spastic knee-jerk reaction. It's a difficult concept to digest really, but once you let go, and just pray for the best...things really start to calm down.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
They just keep growing!!!
So, as I'm sure every parent can relate, my children just will not quit growing! Sis cracks me up, she is now giggling profoundly, gabbing nonstop at her newest toys (her hands and feet), and laughs her butt off each time she toots. It's hilarious! What a great little personality! She is fascinated by her brother, the dogs, and Daddy. It's been nice (the holiday season) around the homestead recently because the hubs has been off work for two (almost three) weeks. She has gotten some great bonding time with him, and he has truly fallen in love even more deeply with our little bundle of laughter and joy.
Bubba is also getting too big-for his britches as the saying goes. He has been popping off some hilarious and witty things recently. Love that he has such spunk and vigor! It's great! He is also such a great big brother. My little girl will forever be protected by him, I am confident by this. He already hovers over her, watching for any harm or any movement. Sometimes he's a bit overbearing, but what big brother isn't?
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