Okay, okay...yes, this is the title of my favorite Dr. Seuss book; but, it's also how I've been recently! I've been sad, happy, disappointed, feeling hopeless...then suddenly life is good and I'm full of hope. It's been like the Beast II at King's Island! Up and down, all around, and the entire time has been one huge headache! I mean, after all...who truly likes to ride a wooden roller coaster, right? :)
Joe didn't deploy, which is good. But honestly, life is weird now. He's working with HER again, but she gives him nothing more than grief because he bruised her ego. Plus, he works with a new commander and 1 SGT. And honestly, it's horrible!! Seven days a week most weeks, long hours (we're talking 0530 until 2000 on most nights)...just insane. I feel badly for him, but it's hard sometimes to remove myself from my own pity and emotions. My daughter (just 18 months old) runs to the door in complete and utter excitement every single time it opens. She jumps up, yells, "daddy!" And low and behold...it is just Bubby again (for the 15th time in many cases). I've never seen such an intelligent child, but sadly, in this instance her intelligence leads to disappointment. This, in turn, only fuels my resentment and bitterness. It's been a horribly toxic cycle...one I am bound and determined to break. The Army may own and control my husband, but I CANNOT and WILL NOT allow it to completely rule our lives, our happiness, and ultimately our health. SO, I am trying to explore ideas for the summer time. It's the hardest time because then Bub is out of school too...and he has to truly acknowledge and accept how long Dad is gone. As of right now, he's completely clueless. In his mind, Dad works only five hours (from when he gets home, until Dad walks in that door)...must be nice! ;-)
The biggest part of this process is reaching out. First and foremost, I DO NOT like to admit I need anything from anyone. I hate it, hate it, hate it. But, I do. I'm out here alone-1000 miles from home. I have NO friends out here (partially my own fault), no support at all...and I'll just be the first to openly admit it...my family and his family really suck at being supportive! I only have siblings to offer support. My only living parent is a lost cause, and one of my brothers is also a lost cause. One of my sisters is severely Autistic...so that leaves one brother, and two sisters. He has no siblings he knows (two are half and he's never seen them, or heard them)...and the rest of his family is OFP. So...yeah...that leaves three people. One is having a very hard time right now, the other is in a toxic and controlling relationship, and the last has three kids and a husband of her own to juggle. Oy...so I"M ALONE!!!! And before anyone mentions that fictitious world that is displayed on Army Wives...there are NO FRGs like that in the Army. We've been in for almost three full years now, and there has never been an FRG. Not once have I met someone from the FRG. Not once did we do something as spouses. We were invited to earn money for the FRG-which was then used for the single soldier events (yup, family readiness funded more BOSS activities). And that is that. So, I have to reach out. I have a few friends I love DEARLY...but I am so scared of getting hurt that I hide behind a screen. I have had my fair share (more than my fair share in my eyes) of hurt. Three times since living here at Ft. Sill (end of 2009, beginning of 2010) I've allowed people into my life, into my world, and put my faith in their friendship...three times I was stood up repetitively, put down, ignored, and treated like crap. Three times, I was hurt and left behind. So, I am reluctant to make those efforts again. But, a gal's gotta do what a gal's gotta do.
So, I need to take control of things. Forget that many days I'm nauseous and sore and have a hard time making it to the fridge, let alone getting up and going out! I have to take control of my own happiness! Make the most out of the good days! :) And on bad days, focus on something positive.
So, for the past few days, I've been focused. I've been working (in full swing) on a few crochet projects, I have been hauling tail on our ministry blanket, and I started my own business (of sorts)! Much of the last item is a work in progress...but I'm getting there! I am also researching ways to get involved with other women who put such a strong emphasis on God. I am thinking of putting a bug in a few good friends' ears...hopefully we can start a WOMEN'S ministry online. I struggle as a wife, and a former feminist, to fully embrace the beautiful role God created for us. I struggle to let my husband have control, and to honor him the same way the church is to honor Christ. I struggle just as much as churches do; which gives me a new-found respect for churches. I just hope I can learn from my mistakes, with an open mind, and make the changes the business-focused establishments do not. Submission, as I see it now, is a beautiful thing. It shows how much I love God...and that love is growing stronger everyday. Everyday satan pushes harder, I tell him...I love God, and that's all there is to it. I know my struggles, and so does satan...and they keep rearing their ugly heads. But, I will prevail. With the love of God, I can overcome anything. Romans 8:18-30 (great passage by the way)...
