If you stop what you're doing right now, and look all around you, I'm confident you'll see beauty. Sure, you'll notice that you have yet to finish cleaning up after your last meal, or you have to repaint your den, or you need to service your car, or you want to add some landscaping to your front yard. If you stop what you're doing right now, and focus on your body, I'm confident you'll see beauty. Sure, you may have over eaten on Thanksgiving, or you need to touch up your roots, or your arthritis is acting up because of all this chilly weather. But tell me, how many blessings do you see?
In the middle of September, I was told by doctors that I would never carry another child unless I used assistive surgeries like IUI or IVF. These surgeries are quite frankly outrageous! $15 g's and there is NO guarantee the egg will take or thrive. Wow, I don't know about you, but I certainly do not have $15 grand to throw at an arrogant doctor, who may or may not care about the success of the procedure, especially not while we have such a socialist in the White House. I was devastated. My husband took a couple hours off work to attend the appointment with me. As we walked from the doctor's office, he was silent, but tense. The grief was palpable. He knew just how I was feeling, exactly what I was thinking. He knew. When we arrived at our cars (we drove separately and he met us there), he tried so desperately to comfort me, but I held firm that all was well, and he was fine to return to his job. I was lying. After he pulled away and was out of sight, I sat there...car running...staring at the beautiful clouds, the blue sky, the changing leaves, all the beauty. Tears were streaming down my face, and I began to sob. "Why!" I just wanted to know why...I'm a GOOD mother. I love my two children. I'm supportive, I'm compassionate, I'm affectionate, I'm playful, and just adore children period. Why is it, then, that such horrible people can have babies with no struggle? I have cousins who have 12 kids between the two of them, and they've completely walked away from each one of those babies. They choose drugs, partying, and men over their own children. They have no hesitation when they give each baby to it's Grandma, or father, or whomever. I know people, right now, who are pregnant and are complaining because the baby isn't a boy or girl or whatever...or they didn't want another child. I grew up with a mother who chose drugs, partying, drinking, bars, and the wild scene over all six of her own children...SIX! But, I am not blessed enough to have six? Or three for that matter??
After a couple months of hidden tears, silent prayers, break downs in the oval office, and resentment...I've learned so much about myself and God. Our God is a loving God. He is gracious, merciful, and giving. He is, after all, the man responsible for giving us all that breaths, all the we see, all of everything. Each one of us have what I'll call skills (as I reference Napoleon Dynamite while discussing religion...gotta love the way the mind works). God is not oblivious to these skills, as He is the one who made us! My skill set is very apparent, as I wear my emotions on my sleeve. Children are at the very core of my heart. Each time I hear of something awful happening to these innocent little ones who want nothing more than love and acceptance, I just cringe and cry my eyes out. Each time I ask myself, and pray, and wonder "how can I serve our Lord, where can I reach out?" I come back to the same place. My newly diagnosed infertility is NOT a curse. It is NOT a punishment. It's what I'll call an undercover blessing.
Sometimes in life, things happen. At the time, they are devastating, and horrible, and heart wrenching. But eventually, because of these events, we are lead to where we are supposed to be, we find an opening that allows us to do what we were always meant to do. If you read in the Bible, it is stated clearly that we will not understand God's ways, and we aren't meant to understand them. I questioned our Lord, and was angry, and sad, and hurt...but now, I turn to Him and throw up my hands in praise! Holy, holy, holy! Our Lord works in amazing ways! I may never bring another child into this world, but I can bring love, stability, compassion, and Christianity to those who have nothing. I can advocate for those who are abused. I can reach out to those who are being raised as I was raised. Now that my body is freed, and my grief is dwindling, I can focus on what He wants me to do. I have been so selfish, wanting Him to do more for me...but what have I done for Him?
So, when you start letting things get to you, and you start getting grumpy, or bitter, or even just angry about what you DON'T have...look around you. You have more than you'll ever know...at least until you open your eyes and your heart!
