A different tune...

So, I've decided to take a different tune with this blog. Originally, it was to keep family updated on what was going on in our lives as we entered this adventure with the Army. Now, I've decided to make it more personal. That's what it should be. It's my blog, after all...

With that being said, here is my thought of the day. How does one go about rebuilding trust and faith after it has been shattered? Trust and faith in anything, a relationship, a belief, humanity, an organization...anything. How do you rebuild? Where do you start? I ask this for very personal reasons. I am not one to openly trust just anyone. Never really have been...and I have very valid reasons for this. But as time continues and more betrayals are experienced, it makes it quite difficult to not become reclusive. I feel as though sometimes I'd be better served to shut my money in a safe behind a painting, work from home via personal computer, and have a personal assistant to run my errands. I feel as though raising children in such a society is too risky, and they should be home schooled and sheltered from all the pain I've found. Then, I quit running through my fight or flight scenario and realize that to fight is surely the only way. I was never raised to be weak (though looking at my childhood, you'd think weakness was inevitable). I was not raised to give up and hide away. I was born fighting and have been fighting since. Twenty-eight long years I've been fighting...why stop now? Thus, I must find this answer. I have to know...how on Earth does one rebuild trust? Yes, seemingly, the easy answer is to have faith in something. But with a complete inability to have faith in anything deeper than the inevitability of being hurt or betrayed again, I find myself on a never ended windmill.

Then begins the psychoanalysis of society as a whole. This alarms me. As I was driving home channel surfing the other day, I came across a radio station who had two guest speakers-a pastor and his wife. They were spouting statistics regarding infidelity. Did you know that some 70% of relationships have endured some level of infidelity? 70%! That's astronomical! And 23% of those have strong ties to their church (meaning they are a reverend, pastor, deacon, bishop, or whatever...)...wow. What does that say about society? Seven out of ten men or women will engage in inappropriate sexual relationships with someone other than their spouse! I guess this would explain why this has honestly happened to me in three of my four serious relationships. Though I've only been married twice, I had two serious relationships between #1 and #2...and from my first husband to the last person I dated before my current husband I experienced nothing but infidelity. People tried to tell me that this is not a common thing. I just have bad taste in men. I asked for it by dating that caliber of person. It was my fault for being too needy, or too controlling, or too uninvolved, or not affectionate enough...whatever. Now I know that this is way more common than people like to admit. Seven out of ten is shockingly common! I'm a pessimist but truly didn't think it was such an epidemic. What has happened to society to make it so shallow and sexually oriented? Are we all truly just animals, waiting for the next moment of heat? With no regard for emotion, loyalty, responsibility, accountability, and empathy? Apparently. My dog humps less inanimate objects than seven out of ten! Really does not help my lack of faith in humanity.
And on another topic, to deviate from relationships, the fact that one cannot trust anyone that is encountered via business deal is alarming too! If you try to sell someone something, you literally have to double and triple check everything, or you'll surely be made a fool of. Nothing can truly make anyone safe from being defrauded. Lurkers are out there waiting. These people wait it out and jump like velociraptors the instant they find one trusting individual. They seem like normal and decent people. And once they've found a good, honest person they use phrases like "good faith"...I'm sorry, but once the word faith has been associated with such a negative occurrence, it makes having it look that much scarier. Why is it that doing the right thing, and trying to be trustworthy and honest ends up being the reason we were victimized? Why is it that when this is reported, we are told there is nothing that can be done? Why is it that when you place faith in an organization that you have done business with for the better part of a decade, they leave you hanging with your rear end out so the wolves can nibble at convenience? What happened to accountability? What happened to honesty? If every direction you turn, you find betrayal...where do you begin to trust again? Where do you turn for sanctity? Where do you find serenity and safety? Tell me, where do you start?

Hannah Faith

Finally, she's here, we're home and life is settling back into a routine! Hannah Faith arrived after a difficult and scary labor. Her arrival has tested and built our faith in so many different ways. I have never felt so lucky in all my life. My babies are perfect, and life is good!
It took my husband and I over a year to get pregnant. Just as I gave up, we were blessed to find out we had a baby on the way! Then, through the first trimester, I was on bed rest and constantly warned by my OB to take it easy for miscarriage was likely. After that were the twice weekly NSTs that lasted until the end of pregnancy. It was a long road. But we made it. September 20th we went to RACH to be induced. I was 1 cm dilated, so they gave me meds to get things going. After 13 hours at 1 cm, my body just basically erupted! I went from 1 to 10 in 2 hours and 36 minutes, and have never been in so much pain in all my life! Never! Towards the end, I developed a fever and just felt horribly. Finally, a nurse came in because our baby's heart rate was dropping substantially during each contraction. Once we commenced with delivery, the OB discovered her heart rate was dropping because the cord was wrapped around her neck, and was in a perfect knot further up! Thankfully, baby Hannah arrived and was healthy! So many scares, but such a blessing!

Waiting

Recently, many changes have come our way. Our baby girl is due September 23rd, but it has been predicted that she will arrive early (if we even make it to our induction date)...each day I wait. So many days I feel like she will be here any day now, and other days I am so lost in thought and the other daily challenges that I feel like we have the full two and a half weeks left! I know that's not the case, but life clouds our minds and keeps us unfocused (or overly focused).
Being finished with my degree program, but not pursuing employment or any other professional endeavors is so difficult for me. I feel lost. I've come to realize I have a passion for learning, and passion to continue my education, and to provide education to others. Thus, I have changed my degree focus from Social Work to Special Education. I found a graduate degree offered through Texas Tech in Special Education with a focus on Autism, which is perfect for me! Thus, I am studying to take my GRE so I can apply and hopefully get accepted. I am also STILL waiting on all of the audits to be completed for my undergraduate degree to be sent out...it's a long and arduous process obviously, but should not be much longer!
After over a year, we are finally making some headway with Caleb. It took us over a year to get him diagnosed fully, find a provider, and develop both an IEP and care plan for him. Now if only we could get the schools to work with us, and have a little extra patience to plan and make the bi-weekly trips to his therapist (which is quite a haul) and change our lives to fit his needs. It's not easy. It's trying, it's frustrating, and it's even nerve-wrecking. But it is for my son, and that means I will do anything...I am just optimistic that things will improve. Because as we go farther along into the school year and his adolescence, his symptoms are exacerbating.
And Army life is just as trying as ever...with appointment as the new UMO, TDY orders are tangible and many new changes are coming up. I am thankful he will be here for Hannah's arrival, but fear he is going to miss a great deal of her first years...I suppose that is what we signed up for, as I understand he must serve our nation, protect our country, and defend the freedoms of others as well...but it's not always an easy reality to swallow.

Turbulence

Well as the summer draws to an end, life is throwing curve ball after curve ball our way. First, Joe has finally joined his permanent unit. Thankfully there are no deployment talks that are immediate concerns. That is a huge relief, especially with everything coming our way! Next, Caleb's therapies begin tomorrow as we have our very first appointment since his diagnosis. I am anxious to see what comes our way and what remedies we can find, at least tools. No one seems to really understand high functioning forms of Autism, and this can leave one feeling rather isolated with little to no support at all. I am hopeful (at best) that things go well tomorrow, but I suppose we'll just have to play it by ear! And last, we found out today that our baby girl will not go the full 40 and will be here at least one week early!! Depending on the results of my labs, the doctor is looking to induce at least one week early, possibly two if the pre-eclampsia sets in heavier and if my other health issues do not improve. One thing after another it seems...perhaps that is life.

Hannah Faith

So with ten weeks left in this pregnancy, we can say definitely that we are naming our girl Hannah Faith. I'm not sure how many of you are familiar with Biblical passages, but our son's name is Biblical (Caleb) and Hannah seemed to fit our situation so perfectly. First, the story of Hannah is primarily about a woman who prayed and prayed for a baby and was smited by many community members for wanting a child. Needless to say, she was blessed with her baby. Although our stories are not entirely parallel, this baby girl took a lot of patience, prayer, and faith. Faith, her middle name, is symbolic to how we got through all the health struggles to finally be able to have her.

When we first found out she was a girl, Caleb instantly said "since I don't get a brother, do I get to name her?" I was apprehensive to proceed but asked him what name he had in mind...his response, Hannah. Perfect! After research for meanings (we stuck with the Hebrew meaning which is gracious) and so on, we've made it official (which means we've purchased items with her name on it lol). So, ten weeks left and our little family will be perfect. Of course, I've always thought of us as perfect (I suppose I have a bias).

In other news, Joe finally graduated from OBC and AOT, which means he is officially an Artillery Officer! OBC was so challenging for him, and for us. I've never seen him work so hard, and still be so exhausted, stressed, and far behind! The hours were intense, the homework was intense, and it seemed the harder he worked, the more they piled on him. But he made it! We made it! Now, after a short hiatus, he will be joining the 75th FAR, more specifically the 3-13 where he'll function as a PL. It's very nerve-wrecking at this point, as the 1st battalion is already in Afghanistan, the 2nd battalion is preparing to go to Korea...so we are very nervously waiting to hear what he'll be doing! I'm thankful we've gotten through all the training, but deep down a very small and somewhat selfish part of me misses the certainty that came with TRADOC. I knew he wasn't going to deploy until his training was finished. Now, that long-dreaded "D" word it tangible and scarier than ever. I suppose this is where strengthening our faith and our marriage will come in handy.

A bambino

Finally, after a little over one year...we are pregnant. I've been wanting to update my blog to share such joyous news, but have just been exhausted! There is no way to even describe it other than pure, overwhelming exhaustion! I am eleven weeks pregnant as of this past Monday, and currently I weigh 130.7 pounds (which is up three pounds from two weeks ago). My pants don't fit, my baby tees no longer fit, I have been battling the lack of digestion, and hormonal roller coasters. Can't seem to feel appealing during all this as I am always nauseous and always tired. I've been here before but really do not remember the nausea and fatigue being this bad. I always heard the first pregnancy was the worst...but honestly, I'm thinking thus far this one is way worse!
The hubs is nervous and on edge. I am telling you, he has spent hours upon hours over the last three weeks talking about the future, investment, and retirement. He is freaking out I think, but I am sure once things slow down and he realizes that I quite have a handle on this he will be able to breathe. Until then...well he certainly isn't getting any thicker up top! Ahh...but I love my balding paranoid provider husband. He's good to us. This is his first time of being around me pregnant. He wasn't around for the first one, so 8 years later, here he is freaking out. He is so funny...he wants to do all the vacuuming, all the dishes, all the grocery shopping, and any cleaning that involves super smelly chemicals. Silly guy, but a very thoughtful notion still. Part of me (the fatigued and nauseas side) wants to let him...but the rational side knows that he simply cannot do all that while working 50-60 hours a week! So, I do my very best to battle the challenges of the day, and get it done while he is gone. Considering we only get an average of ten hours a week together (not including weekends) this really isn't that difficult. The difficult part is moving period. But, in a week and a half we'll be entering the second trimester and all of this will hopefully be behind us, I should be able to muster more energy and less nausea. Who knows, maybe I'll be able to eat an entire meal. All I know is I am going to stop talking about food, as I can already feel the tummy yucks peeking their nasty head into my evening!