Our journey

"I gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which I must stop and look fear in the face...I say to myself, I’ve lived through this and can take the next thing that comes along." -- Eleanor Roosevelt

The quote above was listed in my facebook news feed this morning. It nearly jumped off the page at me, and fit so many things in my life right now!
Yesterday I had a doc appointment (uro) for a cystoscopy. Let me tell you without being too descriptive...it hurt. It still hurts today. But that's neither here nor there. I was diagnosed with Interstitial Cystitis. For nearly two months now, the docs have assumed I have IC. They have discussed it, squabbled over it, and wasted my time and tax payer's dollars. Finally, they sent me to Doc Crimmins (great guy btw) and he officially diagnosed it. I'm thankful he was so thorough and did the cystoscopy to rule out anything deeper or more severe; but, I could have lived without the pain. He (like Doc Haas) mentioned concerns over the uterine hyperplastic growth. He also mentioned that the Adenomyosis may contribute to some of the flares of IC. Lastly, he requested that I see a GI doc. Of course, he didn't know my PCM already put a referral in, and I have an appointment Dec 15th to see the most widely sought Gastroenterologist in this half of Oklahoma. Amazingly enough, he's right in Lawton, so what proves to be hours of traveling for others is simply twenty minutes for me! Thankfully! This is the first specialist I've seen in Lawton, so it's nice to not have to account for much travel time. My PCM thinks I have Crohn's. The uro said he can't diagnose is (for obvious reasons) but he also confirmed that to him, it does sound like Crohns. I'm not thrilled about this. This is just another barrier, another hurdle, another challenge. But, this is where that quote from the lovely Eleanor (love that name) Roosevelt comes into play. I've dealt with affliction for years now, and I will overcome or learn to live gracefully with the newest hurdles. A very dear friend (who also suffers from various afflictions) listed some Biblical verses about affliction, and how such pain and suffering can be almost a blessing of sorts.
"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." (2 Cor 12:9)
"When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken." (Psalm 34:17-20)
"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day." (2 Cor 4:16)
One thing I can say about the many diagnoses I have been handed over the past three years is that my relationship with our Lord has only grown. Yes, my pain and affliction does have something to do with this growth. But, I do think I would have pulled in to Him without them. Each day I have my hurdles. Every morning, I have a ritual that is not common for a "normal" person. My life is full of difference, pain, and challenge; but with grace and faith I know that because of these, and because of the ever-growing thorn in my side, He is with me. I know that it could be worse. I could be suffering as much as others. My suffering (though it may seem major from time-to-time) is incredibly minor compared to that of Christ. And if our beloved could suffer like that for each of us, then my battles are minute and worth every second that I am here, in pain, growing closer to Christ.

Aside from affliction, the next month will be quite an emotional challenge for me. The end of November marks the anniversary (if you will) of the last time I spoke to my dear Gramma. To many, it seems silly to mourn the loss of a Gramma so deeply. But, she was our parent. Because my parents were both addicts, and were absent much of our lives, our dearest Grams stepped in and guided us. She was the light through all those years of darkness. She was the laughter when our little hearts just wanted to cry. She was the only form of hope we had, until we were forbidden to see her. I cannot wrap my mind and heart around her absence. Being so far from home makes it seem like I'm simply not calling and being irresponsible, but in reality I can't call for she has left this world. I miss her so greatly. But taking her role in this dysfunctional family has helped to alleviate some of the pain. Learning to sew has helped alleviate the loss. Now, if only I could call her and tell her I learned something she couldn't...how to crochet! I could just imagine her pointing her crooked pointer finger, smelly cigarette in between pointer and middle, and her "quacking" at me...calling me light profanity (LOL) and demanding I teach her! <3