What might have been

Recently, my body has been fighting me. Sounds odd, I know...but any of you with an Autoimmune disease can truly understand what I mean when I say, I am my own worst enemy. I've felt like poo. Fourteen day migraine, loss of coordination, feeling like I'm having tremors...I could go on forever. No point really. Then, today, the hubs' unit has a Christmas party. No big deal, right? Wrong! SHE is there...and there are pregnant people everywhere! Seriously? How on Earth are so many of these people fertile?! You've GOT to be kidding me. Everywhere I turned, there was a grim and somewhat vicious reminder of everything I can never be. The woman that has nearly ruined my marriage was everywhere I turned; what's worse, so was pregnancy. I had been doing so well with getting over it all. Over the indiscretions, the dishonesty, the lust, the lies, the hurt, and the feelings of inadequacy...and over the infertility, the feelings of failure and again of inadequacy. But, tonight I was challenged. For whatever reason, I was put to the ultimate test when I truly don't even feel like being awake, let alone mixed with the general population. But sure enough...there it all was, staring me in the face, as if to say, "come on...show us how strong you are now." And, I failed. I couldn't breathe. I felt as though everything I had suppressed with hours upon hours of sewing and crocheting and meditation and prayer was there to sabotage my successes! I broke out into a sweat, and just literally felt like I was going to have a melt down. I had one friend there, and he was a MAJOR contributor to my problems. I haven't forgotten. I've forgiven, but I cannot continue to have these feelings and bitterness emerge every time we're in this situation, or any future situation that may open scars. I had to get out of there. I took off. Yup...flight or fight...and I flew out that front door, into the biting cold, and unforgiving Oklahoma wind. I could breathe again (even though the cold and wind were taking my breath, I could breathe more than I could inside). I suppose part of this is good, though it simply reiterates how much I will never measure up. I suppose part of this is helpful, for I have to face and come to grips with what might have been...and what can never be. However, at the moment, I feel like a failure in every sense of the term. I let myself down, my husband down, and I'm so disappointed in the fact that I was disillusioned. I haven't moved on. I'm not fine. It's NOT okay! It's just NOT! I'm still mad. I'm still hurt. I'm still having those same feelings...I'm just ignoring them. That's not okay, that's denial. Here I am...queen of denial. Not cool man...just not cool.
So, now I've got to figure out what's next. I thought we patched this hole in our union. I thought I moved on and let go of the resentment I built because of the betrayal. I was wrong (someone should note this date...this isn't something I say often). I thought I was ready to re-emerge from self-induced seclusion, and face the fact that I am now infertile. I thought I was okay to see pregnant women and not break down and cry, or get that horrid lump in my throat as I make those squishy tear-fighting faces...nope. I was wrong again! I hate being wrong. So now, now that I've had this fantastically untimely epiphany, I've got to figure out what's next...what now?