Things have been chaotic around the Walsh household recently. Caleb has his first soccer practice this Wednesday. He's incredibly excited. Miss Hannah is trying to walk around a bit by herself and will be ONE in just a short fifteen days! Too quickly! Joe is working, and is in cycle as usual and that means he is a rare face around the homestead. As for me...well I'm a mess truly. I had surgery Monday (the 29th) and that surgery was basically a waste of time and money. I have to have another surgery. Doc wants to do a total hysterectomy, but I'm just not ready. I'm not even 30 yet, and that just seems way too young to have a hysterectomy. So, he said there is another procedure he can do to help me out. But, of course, more surgeries equal more adhesions, which will eventually equate even more pain later on. Not to mention, this is considered a more major surgery than my simple laparoscopies. There will be a more sizable incision in my abdomen, and Doc will be in there longer than simply 20 minutes. I'm nervous. I am uncertain. What am I to do? I told God in all my prayers that I just wanted ONE more child and I'd be happy...now I'm selfishly pushing for one more again. Is this my punishment for being greedy? Am I even being greedy? Do I risk my health to have this surgery now? Or just go ahead and do the hysterectomy and regret it later on? What do I do?
Pray...that's what I do. I pray regularly...and that's the only solace I find. That and overcompensating with my children. I know there are other ways to have more children. We can adopt, we can foster, we can find a surrogate. I know. But, I liked being pregnant. I love it honestly. I guess this is a true hurdle, a true trial, a definite test of faith.
On a side note, my dear husband and son are getting baptized when we go back home!! How exciting!! Just a short two years ago my husband was agnostic and questioning. Now, he's seeking his degree in ministry and getting baptized! Praise the Lord!! Very big things happening here!
Lastly, currently I am searching desperately for ways to minister to children who come from disadvantaged back grounds. This doesn't only mean poor families. I want to reach out to children whose parents are using street drugs, children whose parents are absent for various reasons, children who are growing up in areas where gangs are prevalent...there is such a HUGE need for these children to be positively guided...I just have to find some way to get started. Thus far, no luck. But I'm determined and it will happen!!!
My life, my love, my world
Monday, September 5, 2011
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
What doesn't kill us...
So I like to believe those old "Roseanne" theme song lyrics, "What doesn't kill us is making us stronger..." I'd like to believe that no matter how hard things get, no matter what challenges lie in front of us, and no matter how badly we want to give up, we will survive. We will rise above, overcome, and walk away from it all just fine. But that's not the case, is it?
Today we get the results from the polysomnogram. It has me a complete mess of nerves. Thankfully, we've gone through an entire week with no episodes. Thankfully, she's not blue. Thankfully, all is well on the outside. We'll see what comes of our appointment today...it could end a number of ways, and honestly as long as we find out that it WILL in fact be okay, then I'm good with it.
In other news, I've learned this week that you can truly rely on no one except yourself and God. I've learned that not one person will ever truly be there ALL the time...well, I have a sister who is there for me ALL the time...but all others, will inevitably turn their backs. It's an awful feeling to feel so alone when all you want is a friend, a supportive hug, words of encouragement. You would think in such a time, family would pull closer. I mean, seriously, we're 1000 miles from family, my husband is gone ALL the time with the Army, and it seems my world is falling apart. But, instead, everyone pulls the "out of sight, out of mind" and shows no concern or compassion. Instead, people initiate drama, and reiterate their contempt for me...but what doesn't kill me will make me stronger. And instead of mourning the loss of relationships I could have had...instead of mourning the loss of the relationships lost...I've decided to pray for those who do wrong to us. Now, at this given moment, that may be a great deal of people (and some you would think one wouldn't have to pray for), but that's okay. I've got strong knees and insomnia...so I have all the time in the world to ensure my prayer list is complete.
Today we get the results from the polysomnogram. It has me a complete mess of nerves. Thankfully, we've gone through an entire week with no episodes. Thankfully, she's not blue. Thankfully, all is well on the outside. We'll see what comes of our appointment today...it could end a number of ways, and honestly as long as we find out that it WILL in fact be okay, then I'm good with it.
In other news, I've learned this week that you can truly rely on no one except yourself and God. I've learned that not one person will ever truly be there ALL the time...well, I have a sister who is there for me ALL the time...but all others, will inevitably turn their backs. It's an awful feeling to feel so alone when all you want is a friend, a supportive hug, words of encouragement. You would think in such a time, family would pull closer. I mean, seriously, we're 1000 miles from family, my husband is gone ALL the time with the Army, and it seems my world is falling apart. But, instead, everyone pulls the "out of sight, out of mind" and shows no concern or compassion. Instead, people initiate drama, and reiterate their contempt for me...but what doesn't kill me will make me stronger. And instead of mourning the loss of relationships I could have had...instead of mourning the loss of the relationships lost...I've decided to pray for those who do wrong to us. Now, at this given moment, that may be a great deal of people (and some you would think one wouldn't have to pray for), but that's okay. I've got strong knees and insomnia...so I have all the time in the world to ensure my prayer list is complete.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Have a little faith...
Not only is this the title of my very favorite Mitch Albom novel, but it is also a great way to live. Have a little faith is not necessarily a comment made purely tied to religious sentiments either...you can have faith beyond the Bible of course. *Not to say that religious faith is a bad thing, it's quite beautiful* Anyway, recently, we've been struggling with some things. Our miracle baby has had quite a few close encounters. Three times now, I've found her blue, unresponsive, and limp. Quite a scare! Thankfully, after some persuasion, she begins to breathe and is fine. This has been going on for a while now, and we've had some tests done but now wait (impatiently might I add) for the results. Needless to say, this has not been sitting well for me. I've developed some control issues in my adult life, as a defense mechanism I suppose. In this specific instance, I want to hover over her, monitoring her every movement, and her every respiration. I want to stay awake and watch her every single second of the day...and honestly, for the first few days, I tried REALLY hard to do this. But, then (somewhat out of the blue) I realized, I am not in control of this. I have absolutely no control. I can do everything in my power (make sure she sleeps with no blankets, pillows, stuffed animals, etc), but even if I sit there and hover over her, I am still not in control. I found this thought to be almost paralyzing. I cannot fathom not being in control of how long my children are with me. I cannot imagine now waking up just in the nick of time, and instead not catching this and coming to the rescue. I cannot imagine this, and frankly don't want to. So instead of wearing myself out completely, running myself ragged, and just going completely insane, I realized I must remain a pillar of strength for her, my son, and my husband. I have to be fully in control...but OF MYSELF! What a novel concept. I am in control, but it wasn't the control I thought I needed to have...I must control my reaction. I have to learn to have faith...not only that God will do what he must, and will only give what I can handle; but also, I must learn to have faith in myself and the situations that present. I am in control, I just have to learn how to have enough faith in humanity and life itself so that next time this happens, I can contain that control to my own personal spastic knee-jerk reaction. It's a difficult concept to digest really, but once you let go, and just pray for the best...things really start to calm down.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
They just keep growing!!!
So, as I'm sure every parent can relate, my children just will not quit growing! Sis cracks me up, she is now giggling profoundly, gabbing nonstop at her newest toys (her hands and feet), and laughs her butt off each time she toots. It's hilarious! What a great little personality! She is fascinated by her brother, the dogs, and Daddy. It's been nice (the holiday season) around the homestead recently because the hubs has been off work for two (almost three) weeks. She has gotten some great bonding time with him, and he has truly fallen in love even more deeply with our little bundle of laughter and joy.
Bubba is also getting too big-for his britches as the saying goes. He has been popping off some hilarious and witty things recently. Love that he has such spunk and vigor! It's great! He is also such a great big brother. My little girl will forever be protected by him, I am confident by this. He already hovers over her, watching for any harm or any movement. Sometimes he's a bit overbearing, but what big brother isn't?
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
A different tune...
So, I've decided to take a different tune with this blog. Originally, it was to keep family updated on what was going on in our lives as we entered this adventure with the Army. Now, I've decided to make it more personal. That's what it should be. It's my blog, after all...
With that being said, here is my thought of the day. How does one go about rebuilding trust and faith after it has been shattered? Trust and faith in anything, a relationship, a belief, humanity, an organization...anything. How do you rebuild? Where do you start? I ask this for very personal reasons. I am not one to openly trust just anyone. Never really have been...and I have very valid reasons for this. But as time continues and more betrayals are experienced, it makes it quite difficult to not become reclusive. I feel as though sometimes I'd be better served to shut my money in a safe behind a painting, work from home via personal computer, and have a personal assistant to run my errands. I feel as though raising children in such a society is too risky, and they should be home schooled and sheltered from all the pain I've found. Then, I quit running through my fight or flight scenario and realize that to fight is surely the only way. I was never raised to be weak (though looking at my childhood, you'd think weakness was inevitable). I was not raised to give up and hide away. I was born fighting and have been fighting since. Twenty-eight long years I've been fighting...why stop now? Thus, I must find this answer. I have to know...how on Earth does one rebuild trust? Yes, seemingly, the easy answer is to have faith in something. But with a complete inability to have faith in anything deeper than the inevitability of being hurt or betrayed again, I find myself on a never ended windmill.
Then begins the psychoanalysis of society as a whole. This alarms me. As I was driving home channel surfing the other day, I came across a radio station who had two guest speakers-a pastor and his wife. They were spouting statistics regarding infidelity. Did you know that some 70% of relationships have endured some level of infidelity? 70%! That's astronomical! And 23% of those have strong ties to their church (meaning they are a reverend, pastor, deacon, bishop, or whatever...)...wow. What does that say about society? Seven out of ten men or women will engage in inappropriate sexual relationships with someone other than their spouse! I guess this would explain why this has honestly happened to me in three of my four serious relationships. Though I've only been married twice, I had two serious relationships between #1 and #2...and from my first husband to the last person I dated before my current husband I experienced nothing but infidelity. People tried to tell me that this is not a common thing. I just have bad taste in men. I asked for it by dating that caliber of person. It was my fault for being too needy, or too controlling, or too uninvolved, or not affectionate enough...whatever. Now I know that this is way more common than people like to admit. Seven out of ten is shockingly common! I'm a pessimist but truly didn't think it was such an epidemic. What has happened to society to make it so shallow and sexually oriented? Are we all truly just animals, waiting for the next moment of heat? With no regard for emotion, loyalty, responsibility, accountability, and empathy? Apparently. My dog humps less inanimate objects than seven out of ten! Really does not help my lack of faith in humanity.
And on another topic, to deviate from relationships, the fact that one cannot trust anyone that is encountered via business deal is alarming too! If you try to sell someone something, you literally have to double and triple check everything, or you'll surely be made a fool of. Nothing can truly make anyone safe from being defrauded. Lurkers are out there waiting. These people wait it out and jump like velociraptors the instant they find one trusting individual. They seem like normal and decent people. And once they've found a good, honest person they use phrases like "good faith"...I'm sorry, but once the word faith has been associated with such a negative occurrence, it makes having it look that much scarier. Why is it that doing the right thing, and trying to be trustworthy and honest ends up being the reason we were victimized? Why is it that when this is reported, we are told there is nothing that can be done? Why is it that when you place faith in an organization that you have done business with for the better part of a decade, they leave you hanging with your rear end out so the wolves can nibble at convenience? What happened to accountability? What happened to honesty? If every direction you turn, you find betrayal...where do you begin to trust again? Where do you turn for sanctity? Where do you find serenity and safety? Tell me, where do you start?
With that being said, here is my thought of the day. How does one go about rebuilding trust and faith after it has been shattered? Trust and faith in anything, a relationship, a belief, humanity, an organization...anything. How do you rebuild? Where do you start? I ask this for very personal reasons. I am not one to openly trust just anyone. Never really have been...and I have very valid reasons for this. But as time continues and more betrayals are experienced, it makes it quite difficult to not become reclusive. I feel as though sometimes I'd be better served to shut my money in a safe behind a painting, work from home via personal computer, and have a personal assistant to run my errands. I feel as though raising children in such a society is too risky, and they should be home schooled and sheltered from all the pain I've found. Then, I quit running through my fight or flight scenario and realize that to fight is surely the only way. I was never raised to be weak (though looking at my childhood, you'd think weakness was inevitable). I was not raised to give up and hide away. I was born fighting and have been fighting since. Twenty-eight long years I've been fighting...why stop now? Thus, I must find this answer. I have to know...how on Earth does one rebuild trust? Yes, seemingly, the easy answer is to have faith in something. But with a complete inability to have faith in anything deeper than the inevitability of being hurt or betrayed again, I find myself on a never ended windmill.
Then begins the psychoanalysis of society as a whole. This alarms me. As I was driving home channel surfing the other day, I came across a radio station who had two guest speakers-a pastor and his wife. They were spouting statistics regarding infidelity. Did you know that some 70% of relationships have endured some level of infidelity? 70%! That's astronomical! And 23% of those have strong ties to their church (meaning they are a reverend, pastor, deacon, bishop, or whatever...)...wow. What does that say about society? Seven out of ten men or women will engage in inappropriate sexual relationships with someone other than their spouse! I guess this would explain why this has honestly happened to me in three of my four serious relationships. Though I've only been married twice, I had two serious relationships between #1 and #2...and from my first husband to the last person I dated before my current husband I experienced nothing but infidelity. People tried to tell me that this is not a common thing. I just have bad taste in men. I asked for it by dating that caliber of person. It was my fault for being too needy, or too controlling, or too uninvolved, or not affectionate enough...whatever. Now I know that this is way more common than people like to admit. Seven out of ten is shockingly common! I'm a pessimist but truly didn't think it was such an epidemic. What has happened to society to make it so shallow and sexually oriented? Are we all truly just animals, waiting for the next moment of heat? With no regard for emotion, loyalty, responsibility, accountability, and empathy? Apparently. My dog humps less inanimate objects than seven out of ten! Really does not help my lack of faith in humanity.
And on another topic, to deviate from relationships, the fact that one cannot trust anyone that is encountered via business deal is alarming too! If you try to sell someone something, you literally have to double and triple check everything, or you'll surely be made a fool of. Nothing can truly make anyone safe from being defrauded. Lurkers are out there waiting. These people wait it out and jump like velociraptors the instant they find one trusting individual. They seem like normal and decent people. And once they've found a good, honest person they use phrases like "good faith"...I'm sorry, but once the word faith has been associated with such a negative occurrence, it makes having it look that much scarier. Why is it that doing the right thing, and trying to be trustworthy and honest ends up being the reason we were victimized? Why is it that when this is reported, we are told there is nothing that can be done? Why is it that when you place faith in an organization that you have done business with for the better part of a decade, they leave you hanging with your rear end out so the wolves can nibble at convenience? What happened to accountability? What happened to honesty? If every direction you turn, you find betrayal...where do you begin to trust again? Where do you turn for sanctity? Where do you find serenity and safety? Tell me, where do you start?
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Hannah Faith
Finally, she's here, we're home and life is settling back into a routine! Hannah Faith arrived after a difficult and scary labor. Her arrival has tested and built our faith in so many different ways. I have never felt so lucky in all my life. My babies are perfect, and life is good!
It took my husband and I over a year to get pregnant. Just as I gave up, we were blessed to find out we had a baby on the way! Then, through the first trimester, I was on bed rest and constantly warned by my OB to take it easy for miscarriage was likely. After that were the twice weekly NSTs that lasted until the end of pregnancy. It was a long road. But we made it. September 20th we went to RACH to be induced. I was 1 cm dilated, so they gave me meds to get things going. After 13 hours at 1 cm, my body just basically erupted! I went from 1 to 10 in 2 hours and 36 minutes, and have never been in so much pain in all my life! Never! Towards the end, I developed a fever and just felt horribly. Finally, a nurse came in because our baby's heart rate was dropping substantially during each contraction. Once we commenced with delivery, the OB discovered her heart rate was dropping because the cord was wrapped around her neck, and was in a perfect knot further up! Thankfully, baby Hannah arrived and was healthy! So many scares, but such a blessing!
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Waiting
Recently, many changes have come our way. Our baby girl is due September 23rd, but it has been predicted that she will arrive early (if we even make it to our induction date)...each day I wait. So many days I feel like she will be here any day now, and other days I am so lost in thought and the other daily challenges that I feel like we have the full two and a half weeks left! I know that's not the case, but life clouds our minds and keeps us unfocused (or overly focused).
Being finished with my degree program, but not pursuing employment or any other professional endeavors is so difficult for me. I feel lost. I've come to realize I have a passion for learning, and passion to continue my education, and to provide education to others. Thus, I have changed my degree focus from Social Work to Special Education. I found a graduate degree offered through Texas Tech in Special Education with a focus on Autism, which is perfect for me! Thus, I am studying to take my GRE so I can apply and hopefully get accepted. I am also STILL waiting on all of the audits to be completed for my undergraduate degree to be sent out...it's a long and arduous process obviously, but should not be much longer!
After over a year, we are finally making some headway with Caleb. It took us over a year to get him diagnosed fully, find a provider, and develop both an IEP and care plan for him. Now if only we could get the schools to work with us, and have a little extra patience to plan and make the bi-weekly trips to his therapist (which is quite a haul) and change our lives to fit his needs. It's not easy. It's trying, it's frustrating, and it's even nerve-wrecking. But it is for my son, and that means I will do anything...I am just optimistic that things will improve. Because as we go farther along into the school year and his adolescence, his symptoms are exacerbating.
And Army life is just as trying as ever...with appointment as the new UMO, TDY orders are tangible and many new changes are coming up. I am thankful he will be here for Hannah's arrival, but fear he is going to miss a great deal of her first years...I suppose that is what we signed up for, as I understand he must serve our nation, protect our country, and defend the freedoms of others as well...but it's not always an easy reality to swallow.
Being finished with my degree program, but not pursuing employment or any other professional endeavors is so difficult for me. I feel lost. I've come to realize I have a passion for learning, and passion to continue my education, and to provide education to others. Thus, I have changed my degree focus from Social Work to Special Education. I found a graduate degree offered through Texas Tech in Special Education with a focus on Autism, which is perfect for me! Thus, I am studying to take my GRE so I can apply and hopefully get accepted. I am also STILL waiting on all of the audits to be completed for my undergraduate degree to be sent out...it's a long and arduous process obviously, but should not be much longer!
After over a year, we are finally making some headway with Caleb. It took us over a year to get him diagnosed fully, find a provider, and develop both an IEP and care plan for him. Now if only we could get the schools to work with us, and have a little extra patience to plan and make the bi-weekly trips to his therapist (which is quite a haul) and change our lives to fit his needs. It's not easy. It's trying, it's frustrating, and it's even nerve-wrecking. But it is for my son, and that means I will do anything...I am just optimistic that things will improve. Because as we go farther along into the school year and his adolescence, his symptoms are exacerbating.
And Army life is just as trying as ever...with appointment as the new UMO, TDY orders are tangible and many new changes are coming up. I am thankful he will be here for Hannah's arrival, but fear he is going to miss a great deal of her first years...I suppose that is what we signed up for, as I understand he must serve our nation, protect our country, and defend the freedoms of others as well...but it's not always an easy reality to swallow.
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