BIG changes!!

So as my husband and I journey through this rebirth together, we have each found our own personal focus. For example, my love has decided he wants to pursue collegiate education in ministry. Moreover, he is now focused on creating a prison ministry in this area. What a great idea! Not only is he working toward a new degree, and trying to help prisoners reconnect with our Lord; but also, he is looking to volunteer with various organizations, is arranging a food drive for the local food bank with his unit, and is also looking to help me make soup and feed the homeless as the cold season inches closer! What a blessing he is to all who encounter him! I am so incredibly lucky to have such a tremendous and inspirational man at my side! Thank you Lord!
As for the rest of us, well Caleb is participating in a soccer tournament this weekend. He seems to be doing well in school, and his frequency of treatments has decreased substantially. We are due for another session, but I keep praying that his place on the spectrum will fade as he grows and learns more of the "acceptable" actions, thoughts, and so on. Autism is not an easy beast to live with, it's the giant elephant in the room, it's the huge hurdle we carry with us everywhere. Thankfully, we're slowly making connections with others who understand and share the same challenges.
Miss Hannah is doing well. She (at 13 months) can now tell you what a cat and dog both say. She also kisses everything and everyone she meets LOL she has a smile for everyone, and dances like there is no tomorrow! Currently, she loves Bubble Guppies, and the Fresh Beat Band's song "A Friend Like You" I have never seen a little chubby baby run and dance like this! So CUTE! <3 Again, how blessed am I to have such adorable, strong, and inspirational people all around?!
As for myself, well I have an interview tomorrow (not really an interview...more like a meeting of sorts) with a CASA case worker, and then my training starts on Thursday. I am so incredibly excited to start volunteering with this organization! I want, more than anything, to make a difference in these children's lives. No one ever intervened and gave my siblings and I a chance...no one offered hope for us. We were bred in hatred, raised in violence, and set up for failure from day one. I will not allow that to happen to these children. SO many innocent lives have been lost this past year because of DHS short comings. I pray the Lord helps me, and guides me so that I may do what is absolutely best for the children I encounter. I am incredibly passionate about this cause. But, I am simply a messenger. May HIS will be done, and may HE guide me, and the courts...so that no more precious children be lost, no more babies fall victim...

Walking through the darkness

As a Christian in today's crazy, hedonistic world it has come to my attention being politically correct, and giving religious freedom, and no persecuting people because of their religious beliefs does not apply when these things are being directed toward my people. Sex, alcohol, partying, violence, it's all becoming so rampant that it is a faux pas to not engage in such behavior. And if you speak out against any of this, shame on you! Such a fuddy duddy...but in reality it's a sad world. Strip clubs have taken precedence over marriage vows. Athieism has taken precedence over the right to believe. Celebrating death has become more prominent than worshiping Jesus because of His death. I cannot begin to tell you how disheartening this is. It almost makes a person want to shut off communication with the outside world. Even those who bear our name, "Christian" are engaging in this behavior and thinking if they simply attend mass on Saturday, or worship services on Sunday then it's okay. They can ask for forgiveness and all is well. Guess what guys, WRONG!!! Sure, God forgives you. Sure if you do something wrong, you can be forgiven. But if you do it wrong, knowing you'll have to ask for forgiveness on Sunday, or knowing that what you're doing is a sin, but you put thoughts of flesh above thoughts of the Spirit...it's a double whammy!! I'm disgusted right now. Not bitter, but certainly in a hermit mood. So sad when people think it's okay for their spouse to lust...as long as he/she comes home to you. So sad when people think drinking 3 or 4 beers every night isn't wrong, or setting a bad example for your children. When did bars become more popular than churches? When did it become okay for Athiests to openly bash Christians, but if it is reciprocated, we're violating their rights? What is wrong with the world today? I mean, seriously people. Get a grip.

Hurdles, blessings, and bumps

Things have been chaotic around the Walsh household recently. Caleb has his first soccer practice this Wednesday. He's incredibly excited. Miss Hannah is trying to walk around a bit by herself and will be ONE in just a short fifteen days! Too quickly! Joe is working, and is in cycle as usual and that means he is a rare face around the homestead. As for me...well I'm a mess truly. I had surgery Monday (the 29th) and that surgery was basically a waste of time and money. I have to have another surgery. Doc wants to do a total hysterectomy, but I'm just not ready. I'm not even 30 yet, and that just seems way too young to have a hysterectomy. So, he said there is another procedure he can do to help me out. But, of course, more surgeries equal more adhesions, which will eventually equate even more pain later on. Not to mention, this is considered a more major surgery than my simple laparoscopies. There will be a more sizable incision in my abdomen, and Doc will be in there longer than simply 20 minutes. I'm nervous. I am uncertain. What am I to do? I told God in all my prayers that I just wanted ONE more child and I'd be happy...now I'm selfishly pushing for one more again. Is this my punishment for being greedy? Am I even being greedy? Do I risk my health to have this surgery now? Or just go ahead and do the hysterectomy and regret it later on? What do I do?

Pray...that's what I do. I pray regularly...and that's the only solace I find. That and overcompensating with my children. I know there are other ways to have more children. We can adopt, we can foster, we can find a surrogate. I know. But, I liked being pregnant. I love it honestly. I guess this is a true hurdle, a true trial, a definite test of faith.

On a side note, my dear husband and son are getting baptized when we go back home!! How exciting!! Just a short two years ago my husband was agnostic and questioning. Now, he's seeking his degree in ministry and getting baptized! Praise the Lord!! Very big things happening here!

Lastly, currently I am searching desperately for ways to minister to children who come from disadvantaged back grounds. This doesn't only mean poor families. I want to reach out to children whose parents are using street drugs, children whose parents are absent for various reasons, children who are growing up in areas where gangs are prevalent...there is such a HUGE need for these children to be positively guided...I just have to find some way to get started. Thus far, no luck. But I'm determined and it will happen!!!

What doesn't kill us...

So I like to believe those old "Roseanne" theme song lyrics, "What doesn't kill us is making us stronger..." I'd like to believe that no matter how hard things get, no matter what challenges lie in front of us, and no matter how badly we want to give up, we will survive. We will rise above, overcome, and walk away from it all just fine. But that's not the case, is it?
Today we get the results from the polysomnogram. It has me a complete mess of nerves. Thankfully, we've gone through an entire week with no episodes. Thankfully, she's not blue. Thankfully, all is well on the outside. We'll see what comes of our appointment today...it could end a number of ways, and honestly as long as we find out that it WILL in fact be okay, then I'm good with it.
In other news, I've learned this week that you can truly rely on no one except yourself and God. I've learned that not one person will ever truly be there ALL the time...well, I have a sister who is there for me ALL the time...but all others, will inevitably turn their backs. It's an awful feeling to feel so alone when all you want is a friend, a supportive hug, words of encouragement. You would think in such a time, family would pull closer. I mean, seriously, we're 1000 miles from family, my husband is gone ALL the time with the Army, and it seems my world is falling apart. But, instead, everyone pulls the "out of sight, out of mind" and shows no concern or compassion. Instead, people initiate drama, and reiterate their contempt for me...but what doesn't kill me will make me stronger. And instead of mourning the loss of relationships I could have had...instead of mourning the loss of the relationships lost...I've decided to pray for those who do wrong to us. Now, at this given moment, that may be a great deal of people (and some you would think one wouldn't have to pray for), but that's okay. I've got strong knees and insomnia...so I have all the time in the world to ensure my prayer list is complete.

Have a little faith...

Not only is this the title of my very favorite Mitch Albom novel, but it is also a great way to live. Have a little faith is not necessarily a comment made purely tied to religious sentiments either...you can have faith beyond the Bible of course. *Not to say that religious faith is a bad thing, it's quite beautiful* Anyway, recently, we've been struggling with some things. Our miracle baby has had quite a few close encounters. Three times now, I've found her blue, unresponsive, and limp. Quite a scare! Thankfully, after some persuasion, she begins to breathe and is fine. This has been going on for a while now, and we've had some tests done but now wait (impatiently might I add) for the results. Needless to say, this has not been sitting well for me. I've developed some control issues in my adult life, as a defense mechanism I suppose. In this specific instance, I want to hover over her, monitoring her every movement, and her every respiration. I want to stay awake and watch her every single second of the day...and honestly, for the first few days, I tried REALLY hard to do this. But, then (somewhat out of the blue) I realized, I am not in control of this. I have absolutely no control. I can do everything in my power (make sure she sleeps with no blankets, pillows, stuffed animals, etc), but even if I sit there and hover over her, I am still not in control. I found this thought to be almost paralyzing. I cannot fathom not being in control of how long my children are with me. I cannot imagine now waking up just in the nick of time, and instead not catching this and coming to the rescue. I cannot imagine this, and frankly don't want to. So instead of wearing myself out completely, running myself ragged, and just going completely insane, I realized I must remain a pillar of strength for her, my son, and my husband. I have to be fully in control...but OF MYSELF! What a novel concept. I am in control, but it wasn't the control I thought I needed to have...I must control my reaction. I have to learn to have faith...not only that God will do what he must, and will only give what I can handle; but also, I must learn to have faith in myself and the situations that present. I am in control, I just have to learn how to have enough faith in humanity and life itself so that next time this happens, I can contain that control to my own personal spastic knee-jerk reaction. It's a difficult concept to digest really, but once you let go, and just pray for the best...things really start to calm down.

They just keep growing!!!

So, as I'm sure every parent can relate, my children just will not quit growing! Sis cracks me up, she is now giggling profoundly, gabbing nonstop at her newest toys (her hands and feet), and laughs her butt off each time she toots. It's hilarious! What a great little personality! She is fascinated by her brother, the dogs, and Daddy. It's been nice (the holiday season) around the homestead recently because the hubs has been off work for two (almost three) weeks. She has gotten some great bonding time with him, and he has truly fallen in love even more deeply with our little bundle of laughter and joy.
Bubba is also getting too big-for his britches as the saying goes. He has been popping off some hilarious and witty things recently. Love that he has such spunk and vigor! It's great! He is also such a great big brother. My little girl will forever be protected by him, I am confident by this. He already hovers over her, watching for any harm or any movement. Sometimes he's a bit overbearing, but what big brother isn't?

A different tune...

So, I've decided to take a different tune with this blog. Originally, it was to keep family updated on what was going on in our lives as we entered this adventure with the Army. Now, I've decided to make it more personal. That's what it should be. It's my blog, after all...

With that being said, here is my thought of the day. How does one go about rebuilding trust and faith after it has been shattered? Trust and faith in anything, a relationship, a belief, humanity, an organization...anything. How do you rebuild? Where do you start? I ask this for very personal reasons. I am not one to openly trust just anyone. Never really have been...and I have very valid reasons for this. But as time continues and more betrayals are experienced, it makes it quite difficult to not become reclusive. I feel as though sometimes I'd be better served to shut my money in a safe behind a painting, work from home via personal computer, and have a personal assistant to run my errands. I feel as though raising children in such a society is too risky, and they should be home schooled and sheltered from all the pain I've found. Then, I quit running through my fight or flight scenario and realize that to fight is surely the only way. I was never raised to be weak (though looking at my childhood, you'd think weakness was inevitable). I was not raised to give up and hide away. I was born fighting and have been fighting since. Twenty-eight long years I've been fighting...why stop now? Thus, I must find this answer. I have to know...how on Earth does one rebuild trust? Yes, seemingly, the easy answer is to have faith in something. But with a complete inability to have faith in anything deeper than the inevitability of being hurt or betrayed again, I find myself on a never ended windmill.

Then begins the psychoanalysis of society as a whole. This alarms me. As I was driving home channel surfing the other day, I came across a radio station who had two guest speakers-a pastor and his wife. They were spouting statistics regarding infidelity. Did you know that some 70% of relationships have endured some level of infidelity? 70%! That's astronomical! And 23% of those have strong ties to their church (meaning they are a reverend, pastor, deacon, bishop, or whatever...)...wow. What does that say about society? Seven out of ten men or women will engage in inappropriate sexual relationships with someone other than their spouse! I guess this would explain why this has honestly happened to me in three of my four serious relationships. Though I've only been married twice, I had two serious relationships between #1 and #2...and from my first husband to the last person I dated before my current husband I experienced nothing but infidelity. People tried to tell me that this is not a common thing. I just have bad taste in men. I asked for it by dating that caliber of person. It was my fault for being too needy, or too controlling, or too uninvolved, or not affectionate enough...whatever. Now I know that this is way more common than people like to admit. Seven out of ten is shockingly common! I'm a pessimist but truly didn't think it was such an epidemic. What has happened to society to make it so shallow and sexually oriented? Are we all truly just animals, waiting for the next moment of heat? With no regard for emotion, loyalty, responsibility, accountability, and empathy? Apparently. My dog humps less inanimate objects than seven out of ten! Really does not help my lack of faith in humanity.
And on another topic, to deviate from relationships, the fact that one cannot trust anyone that is encountered via business deal is alarming too! If you try to sell someone something, you literally have to double and triple check everything, or you'll surely be made a fool of. Nothing can truly make anyone safe from being defrauded. Lurkers are out there waiting. These people wait it out and jump like velociraptors the instant they find one trusting individual. They seem like normal and decent people. And once they've found a good, honest person they use phrases like "good faith"...I'm sorry, but once the word faith has been associated with such a negative occurrence, it makes having it look that much scarier. Why is it that doing the right thing, and trying to be trustworthy and honest ends up being the reason we were victimized? Why is it that when this is reported, we are told there is nothing that can be done? Why is it that when you place faith in an organization that you have done business with for the better part of a decade, they leave you hanging with your rear end out so the wolves can nibble at convenience? What happened to accountability? What happened to honesty? If every direction you turn, you find betrayal...where do you begin to trust again? Where do you turn for sanctity? Where do you find serenity and safety? Tell me, where do you start?