Inside, outside, upside, down

Okay, okay...yes, this is the title of my favorite Dr. Seuss book; but, it's also how I've been recently! I've been sad, happy, disappointed, feeling hopeless...then suddenly life is good and I'm full of hope. It's been like the Beast II at King's Island! Up and down, all around, and the entire time has been one huge headache! I mean, after all...who truly likes to ride a wooden roller coaster, right? :)

Joe didn't deploy, which is good. But honestly, life is weird now. He's working with HER again, but she gives him nothing more than grief because he bruised her ego. Plus, he works with a new commander and 1 SGT. And honestly, it's horrible!! Seven days a week most weeks, long hours (we're talking 0530 until 2000 on most nights)...just insane. I feel badly for him, but it's hard sometimes to remove myself from my own pity and emotions. My daughter (just 18 months old) runs to the door in complete and utter excitement every single time it opens. She jumps up, yells, "daddy!" And low and behold...it is just Bubby again (for the 15th time in many cases). I've never seen such an intelligent child, but sadly, in this instance her intelligence leads to disappointment. This, in turn, only fuels my resentment and bitterness. It's been a horribly toxic cycle...one I am bound and determined to break. The Army may own and control my husband, but I CANNOT and WILL NOT allow it to completely rule our lives, our happiness, and ultimately our health. SO, I am trying to explore ideas for the summer time. It's the hardest time because then Bub is out of school too...and he has to truly acknowledge and accept how long Dad is gone. As of right now, he's completely clueless. In his mind, Dad works only five hours (from when he gets home, until Dad walks in that door)...must be nice! ;-)
The biggest part of this process is reaching out. First and foremost, I DO NOT like to admit I need anything from anyone. I hate it, hate it, hate it. But, I do. I'm out here alone-1000 miles from home. I have NO friends out here (partially my own fault), no support at all...and I'll just be the first to openly admit it...my family and his family really suck at being supportive! I only have siblings to offer support. My only living parent is a lost cause, and one of my brothers is also a lost cause. One of my sisters is severely Autistic...so that leaves one brother, and two sisters. He has no siblings he knows (two are half and he's never seen them, or heard them)...and the rest of his family is OFP. So...yeah...that leaves three people. One is having a very hard time right now, the other is in a toxic and controlling relationship, and the last has three kids and a husband of her own to juggle. Oy...so I"M ALONE!!!! And before anyone mentions that fictitious world that is displayed on Army Wives...there are NO FRGs like that in the Army. We've been in for almost three full years now, and there has never been an FRG. Not once have I met someone from the FRG. Not once did we do something as spouses. We were invited to earn money for the FRG-which was then used for the single soldier events (yup, family readiness funded more BOSS activities). And that is that. So, I have to reach out. I have a few friends I love DEARLY...but I am so scared of getting hurt that I hide behind a screen. I have had my fair share (more than my fair share in my eyes) of hurt. Three times since living here at Ft. Sill (end of 2009, beginning of 2010) I've allowed people into my life, into my world, and put my faith in their friendship...three times I was stood up repetitively, put down, ignored, and treated like crap. Three times, I was hurt and left behind. So, I am reluctant to make those efforts again. But, a gal's gotta do what a gal's gotta do.
So, I need to take control of things. Forget that many days I'm nauseous and sore and have a hard time making it to the fridge, let alone getting up and going out! I have to take control of my own happiness! Make the most out of the good days! :) And on bad days, focus on something positive.
So, for the past few days, I've been focused. I've been working (in full swing) on a few crochet projects, I have been hauling tail on our ministry blanket, and I started my own business (of sorts)! Much of the last item is a work in progress...but I'm getting there! I am also researching ways to get involved with other women who put such a strong emphasis on God. I am thinking of putting a bug in a few good friends' ears...hopefully we can start a WOMEN'S ministry online. I struggle as a wife, and a former feminist, to fully embrace the beautiful role God created for us. I struggle to let my husband have control, and to honor him the same way the church is to honor Christ. I struggle just as much as churches do; which gives me a new-found respect for churches. I just hope I can learn from my mistakes, with an open mind, and make the changes the business-focused establishments do not. Submission, as I see it now, is a beautiful thing. It shows how much I love God...and that love is growing stronger everyday. Everyday satan pushes harder, I tell him...I love God, and that's all there is to it. I know my struggles, and so does satan...and they keep rearing their ugly heads. But, I will prevail. With the love of God, I can overcome anything. Romans 8:18-30 (great passage by the way)...

What might have been

Recently, my body has been fighting me. Sounds odd, I know...but any of you with an Autoimmune disease can truly understand what I mean when I say, I am my own worst enemy. I've felt like poo. Fourteen day migraine, loss of coordination, feeling like I'm having tremors...I could go on forever. No point really. Then, today, the hubs' unit has a Christmas party. No big deal, right? Wrong! SHE is there...and there are pregnant people everywhere! Seriously? How on Earth are so many of these people fertile?! You've GOT to be kidding me. Everywhere I turned, there was a grim and somewhat vicious reminder of everything I can never be. The woman that has nearly ruined my marriage was everywhere I turned; what's worse, so was pregnancy. I had been doing so well with getting over it all. Over the indiscretions, the dishonesty, the lust, the lies, the hurt, and the feelings of inadequacy...and over the infertility, the feelings of failure and again of inadequacy. But, tonight I was challenged. For whatever reason, I was put to the ultimate test when I truly don't even feel like being awake, let alone mixed with the general population. But sure enough...there it all was, staring me in the face, as if to say, "come on...show us how strong you are now." And, I failed. I couldn't breathe. I felt as though everything I had suppressed with hours upon hours of sewing and crocheting and meditation and prayer was there to sabotage my successes! I broke out into a sweat, and just literally felt like I was going to have a melt down. I had one friend there, and he was a MAJOR contributor to my problems. I haven't forgotten. I've forgiven, but I cannot continue to have these feelings and bitterness emerge every time we're in this situation, or any future situation that may open scars. I had to get out of there. I took off. Yup...flight or fight...and I flew out that front door, into the biting cold, and unforgiving Oklahoma wind. I could breathe again (even though the cold and wind were taking my breath, I could breathe more than I could inside). I suppose part of this is good, though it simply reiterates how much I will never measure up. I suppose part of this is helpful, for I have to face and come to grips with what might have been...and what can never be. However, at the moment, I feel like a failure in every sense of the term. I let myself down, my husband down, and I'm so disappointed in the fact that I was disillusioned. I haven't moved on. I'm not fine. It's NOT okay! It's just NOT! I'm still mad. I'm still hurt. I'm still having those same feelings...I'm just ignoring them. That's not okay, that's denial. Here I am...queen of denial. Not cool man...just not cool.
So, now I've got to figure out what's next. I thought we patched this hole in our union. I thought I moved on and let go of the resentment I built because of the betrayal. I was wrong (someone should note this date...this isn't something I say often). I thought I was ready to re-emerge from self-induced seclusion, and face the fact that I am now infertile. I thought I was okay to see pregnant women and not break down and cry, or get that horrid lump in my throat as I make those squishy tear-fighting faces...nope. I was wrong again! I hate being wrong. So now, now that I've had this fantastically untimely epiphany, I've got to figure out what's next...what now?

Undercover blessings

If you stop what you're doing right now, and look all around you, I'm confident you'll see beauty. Sure, you'll notice that you have yet to finish cleaning up after your last meal, or you have to repaint your den, or you need to service your car, or you want to add some landscaping to your front yard. If you stop what you're doing right now, and focus on your body, I'm confident you'll see beauty. Sure, you may have over eaten on Thanksgiving, or you need to touch up your roots, or your arthritis is acting up because of all this chilly weather. But tell me, how many blessings do you see?
In the middle of September, I was told by doctors that I would never carry another child unless I used assistive surgeries like IUI or IVF. These surgeries are quite frankly outrageous! $15 g's and there is NO guarantee the egg will take or thrive. Wow, I don't know about you, but I certainly do not have $15 grand to throw at an arrogant doctor, who may or may not care about the success of the procedure, especially not while we have such a socialist in the White House. I was devastated. My husband took a couple hours off work to attend the appointment with me. As we walked from the doctor's office, he was silent, but tense. The grief was palpable. He knew just how I was feeling, exactly what I was thinking. He knew. When we arrived at our cars (we drove separately and he met us there), he tried so desperately to comfort me, but I held firm that all was well, and he was fine to return to his job. I was lying. After he pulled away and was out of sight, I sat there...car running...staring at the beautiful clouds, the blue sky, the changing leaves, all the beauty. Tears were streaming down my face, and I began to sob. "Why!" I just wanted to know why...I'm a GOOD mother. I love my two children. I'm supportive, I'm compassionate, I'm affectionate, I'm playful, and just adore children period. Why is it, then, that such horrible people can have babies with no struggle? I have cousins who have 12 kids between the two of them, and they've completely walked away from each one of those babies. They choose drugs, partying, and men over their own children. They have no hesitation when they give each baby to it's Grandma, or father, or whomever. I know people, right now, who are pregnant and are complaining because the baby isn't a boy or girl or whatever...or they didn't want another child. I grew up with a mother who chose drugs, partying, drinking, bars, and the wild scene over all six of her own children...SIX! But, I am not blessed enough to have six? Or three for that matter??
After a couple months of hidden tears, silent prayers, break downs in the oval office, and resentment...I've learned so much about myself and God. Our God is a loving God. He is gracious, merciful, and giving. He is, after all, the man responsible for giving us all that breaths, all the we see, all of everything. Each one of us have what I'll call skills (as I reference Napoleon Dynamite while discussing religion...gotta love the way the mind works). God is not oblivious to these skills, as He is the one who made us! My skill set is very apparent, as I wear my emotions on my sleeve. Children are at the very core of my heart. Each time I hear of something awful happening to these innocent little ones who want nothing more than love and acceptance, I just cringe and cry my eyes out. Each time I ask myself, and pray, and wonder "how can I serve our Lord, where can I reach out?" I come back to the same place. My newly diagnosed infertility is NOT a curse. It is NOT a punishment. It's what I'll call an undercover blessing.
Sometimes in life, things happen. At the time, they are devastating, and horrible, and heart wrenching. But eventually, because of these events, we are lead to where we are supposed to be, we find an opening that allows us to do what we were always meant to do. If you read in the Bible, it is stated clearly that we will not understand God's ways, and we aren't meant to understand them. I questioned our Lord, and was angry, and sad, and hurt...but now, I turn to Him and throw up my hands in praise! Holy, holy, holy! Our Lord works in amazing ways! I may never bring another child into this world, but I can bring love, stability, compassion, and Christianity to those who have nothing. I can advocate for those who are abused. I can reach out to those who are being raised as I was raised. Now that my body is freed, and my grief is dwindling, I can focus on what He wants me to do. I have been so selfish, wanting Him to do more for me...but what have I done for Him?
So, when you start letting things get to you, and you start getting grumpy, or bitter, or even just angry about what you DON'T have...look around you. You have more than you'll ever know...at least until you open your eyes and your heart!

"I gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which I must stop and look fear in the face...I say to myself, I’ve lived through this and can take the next thing that comes along." -- Eleanor Roosevelt

The quote above was listed in my facebook news feed this morning. It nearly jumped off the page at me, and fit so many things in my life right now!
Yesterday I had a doc appointment (uro) for a cystoscopy. Let me tell you without being too descriptive...it hurt. It still hurts today. But that's neither here nor there. I was diagnosed with Interstitial Cystitis. For nearly two months now, the docs have assumed I have IC. They have discussed it, squabbled over it, and wasted my time and tax payer's dollars. Finally, they sent me to Doc Crimmins (great guy btw) and he officially diagnosed it. I'm thankful he was so thorough and did the cystoscopy to rule out anything deeper or more severe; but, I could have lived without the pain. He (like Doc Haas) mentioned concerns over the uterine hyperplastic growth. He also mentioned that the Adenomyosis may contribute to some of the flares of IC. Lastly, he requested that I see a GI doc. Of course, he didn't know my PCM already put a referral in, and I have an appointment Dec 15th to see the most widely sought Gastroenterologist in this half of Oklahoma. Amazingly enough, he's right in Lawton, so what proves to be hours of traveling for others is simply twenty minutes for me! Thankfully! This is the first specialist I've seen in Lawton, so it's nice to not have to account for much travel time. My PCM thinks I have Crohn's. The uro said he can't diagnose is (for obvious reasons) but he also confirmed that to him, it does sound like Crohns. I'm not thrilled about this. This is just another barrier, another hurdle, another challenge. But, this is where that quote from the lovely Eleanor (love that name) Roosevelt comes into play. I've dealt with affliction for years now, and I will overcome or learn to live gracefully with the newest hurdles. A very dear friend (who also suffers from various afflictions) listed some Biblical verses about affliction, and how such pain and suffering can be almost a blessing of sorts.
"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." (2 Cor 12:9)
"When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken." (Psalm 34:17-20)
"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day." (2 Cor 4:16)
One thing I can say about the many diagnoses I have been handed over the past three years is that my relationship with our Lord has only grown. Yes, my pain and affliction does have something to do with this growth. But, I do think I would have pulled in to Him without them. Each day I have my hurdles. Every morning, I have a ritual that is not common for a "normal" person. My life is full of difference, pain, and challenge; but with grace and faith I know that because of these, and because of the ever-growing thorn in my side, He is with me. I know that it could be worse. I could be suffering as much as others. My suffering (though it may seem major from time-to-time) is incredibly minor compared to that of Christ. And if our beloved could suffer like that for each of us, then my battles are minute and worth every second that I am here, in pain, growing closer to Christ.

Aside from affliction, the next month will be quite an emotional challenge for me. The end of November marks the anniversary (if you will) of the last time I spoke to my dear Gramma. To many, it seems silly to mourn the loss of a Gramma so deeply. But, she was our parent. Because my parents were both addicts, and were absent much of our lives, our dearest Grams stepped in and guided us. She was the light through all those years of darkness. She was the laughter when our little hearts just wanted to cry. She was the only form of hope we had, until we were forbidden to see her. I cannot wrap my mind and heart around her absence. Being so far from home makes it seem like I'm simply not calling and being irresponsible, but in reality I can't call for she has left this world. I miss her so greatly. But taking her role in this dysfunctional family has helped to alleviate some of the pain. Learning to sew has helped alleviate the loss. Now, if only I could call her and tell her I learned something she couldn't...how to crochet! I could just imagine her pointing her crooked pointer finger, smelly cigarette in between pointer and middle, and her "quacking" at me...calling me light profanity (LOL) and demanding I teach her! <3

BIG changes!!

So as my husband and I journey through this rebirth together, we have each found our own personal focus. For example, my love has decided he wants to pursue collegiate education in ministry. Moreover, he is now focused on creating a prison ministry in this area. What a great idea! Not only is he working toward a new degree, and trying to help prisoners reconnect with our Lord; but also, he is looking to volunteer with various organizations, is arranging a food drive for the local food bank with his unit, and is also looking to help me make soup and feed the homeless as the cold season inches closer! What a blessing he is to all who encounter him! I am so incredibly lucky to have such a tremendous and inspirational man at my side! Thank you Lord!
As for the rest of us, well Caleb is participating in a soccer tournament this weekend. He seems to be doing well in school, and his frequency of treatments has decreased substantially. We are due for another session, but I keep praying that his place on the spectrum will fade as he grows and learns more of the "acceptable" actions, thoughts, and so on. Autism is not an easy beast to live with, it's the giant elephant in the room, it's the huge hurdle we carry with us everywhere. Thankfully, we're slowly making connections with others who understand and share the same challenges.
Miss Hannah is doing well. She (at 13 months) can now tell you what a cat and dog both say. She also kisses everything and everyone she meets LOL she has a smile for everyone, and dances like there is no tomorrow! Currently, she loves Bubble Guppies, and the Fresh Beat Band's song "A Friend Like You" I have never seen a little chubby baby run and dance like this! So CUTE! <3 Again, how blessed am I to have such adorable, strong, and inspirational people all around?!
As for myself, well I have an interview tomorrow (not really an interview...more like a meeting of sorts) with a CASA case worker, and then my training starts on Thursday. I am so incredibly excited to start volunteering with this organization! I want, more than anything, to make a difference in these children's lives. No one ever intervened and gave my siblings and I a chance...no one offered hope for us. We were bred in hatred, raised in violence, and set up for failure from day one. I will not allow that to happen to these children. SO many innocent lives have been lost this past year because of DHS short comings. I pray the Lord helps me, and guides me so that I may do what is absolutely best for the children I encounter. I am incredibly passionate about this cause. But, I am simply a messenger. May HIS will be done, and may HE guide me, and the courts...so that no more precious children be lost, no more babies fall victim...

Walking through the darkness

As a Christian in today's crazy, hedonistic world it has come to my attention being politically correct, and giving religious freedom, and no persecuting people because of their religious beliefs does not apply when these things are being directed toward my people. Sex, alcohol, partying, violence, it's all becoming so rampant that it is a faux pas to not engage in such behavior. And if you speak out against any of this, shame on you! Such a fuddy duddy...but in reality it's a sad world. Strip clubs have taken precedence over marriage vows. Athieism has taken precedence over the right to believe. Celebrating death has become more prominent than worshiping Jesus because of His death. I cannot begin to tell you how disheartening this is. It almost makes a person want to shut off communication with the outside world. Even those who bear our name, "Christian" are engaging in this behavior and thinking if they simply attend mass on Saturday, or worship services on Sunday then it's okay. They can ask for forgiveness and all is well. Guess what guys, WRONG!!! Sure, God forgives you. Sure if you do something wrong, you can be forgiven. But if you do it wrong, knowing you'll have to ask for forgiveness on Sunday, or knowing that what you're doing is a sin, but you put thoughts of flesh above thoughts of the Spirit...it's a double whammy!! I'm disgusted right now. Not bitter, but certainly in a hermit mood. So sad when people think it's okay for their spouse to lust...as long as he/she comes home to you. So sad when people think drinking 3 or 4 beers every night isn't wrong, or setting a bad example for your children. When did bars become more popular than churches? When did it become okay for Athiests to openly bash Christians, but if it is reciprocated, we're violating their rights? What is wrong with the world today? I mean, seriously people. Get a grip.

Hurdles, blessings, and bumps

Things have been chaotic around the Walsh household recently. Caleb has his first soccer practice this Wednesday. He's incredibly excited. Miss Hannah is trying to walk around a bit by herself and will be ONE in just a short fifteen days! Too quickly! Joe is working, and is in cycle as usual and that means he is a rare face around the homestead. As for me...well I'm a mess truly. I had surgery Monday (the 29th) and that surgery was basically a waste of time and money. I have to have another surgery. Doc wants to do a total hysterectomy, but I'm just not ready. I'm not even 30 yet, and that just seems way too young to have a hysterectomy. So, he said there is another procedure he can do to help me out. But, of course, more surgeries equal more adhesions, which will eventually equate even more pain later on. Not to mention, this is considered a more major surgery than my simple laparoscopies. There will be a more sizable incision in my abdomen, and Doc will be in there longer than simply 20 minutes. I'm nervous. I am uncertain. What am I to do? I told God in all my prayers that I just wanted ONE more child and I'd be happy...now I'm selfishly pushing for one more again. Is this my punishment for being greedy? Am I even being greedy? Do I risk my health to have this surgery now? Or just go ahead and do the hysterectomy and regret it later on? What do I do?

Pray...that's what I do. I pray regularly...and that's the only solace I find. That and overcompensating with my children. I know there are other ways to have more children. We can adopt, we can foster, we can find a surrogate. I know. But, I liked being pregnant. I love it honestly. I guess this is a true hurdle, a true trial, a definite test of faith.

On a side note, my dear husband and son are getting baptized when we go back home!! How exciting!! Just a short two years ago my husband was agnostic and questioning. Now, he's seeking his degree in ministry and getting baptized! Praise the Lord!! Very big things happening here!

Lastly, currently I am searching desperately for ways to minister to children who come from disadvantaged back grounds. This doesn't only mean poor families. I want to reach out to children whose parents are using street drugs, children whose parents are absent for various reasons, children who are growing up in areas where gangs are prevalent...there is such a HUGE need for these children to be positively guided...I just have to find some way to get started. Thus far, no luck. But I'm determined and it will happen!!!