Inside, outside, upside, down

Okay, okay...yes, this is the title of my favorite Dr. Seuss book; but, it's also how I've been recently! I've been sad, happy, disappointed, feeling hopeless...then suddenly life is good and I'm full of hope. It's been like the Beast II at King's Island! Up and down, all around, and the entire time has been one huge headache! I mean, after all...who truly likes to ride a wooden roller coaster, right? :)

Joe didn't deploy, which is good. But honestly, life is weird now. He's working with HER again, but she gives him nothing more than grief because he bruised her ego. Plus, he works with a new commander and 1 SGT. And honestly, it's horrible!! Seven days a week most weeks, long hours (we're talking 0530 until 2000 on most nights)...just insane. I feel badly for him, but it's hard sometimes to remove myself from my own pity and emotions. My daughter (just 18 months old) runs to the door in complete and utter excitement every single time it opens. She jumps up, yells, "daddy!" And low and behold...it is just Bubby again (for the 15th time in many cases). I've never seen such an intelligent child, but sadly, in this instance her intelligence leads to disappointment. This, in turn, only fuels my resentment and bitterness. It's been a horribly toxic cycle...one I am bound and determined to break. The Army may own and control my husband, but I CANNOT and WILL NOT allow it to completely rule our lives, our happiness, and ultimately our health. SO, I am trying to explore ideas for the summer time. It's the hardest time because then Bub is out of school too...and he has to truly acknowledge and accept how long Dad is gone. As of right now, he's completely clueless. In his mind, Dad works only five hours (from when he gets home, until Dad walks in that door)...must be nice! ;-)
The biggest part of this process is reaching out. First and foremost, I DO NOT like to admit I need anything from anyone. I hate it, hate it, hate it. But, I do. I'm out here alone-1000 miles from home. I have NO friends out here (partially my own fault), no support at all...and I'll just be the first to openly admit it...my family and his family really suck at being supportive! I only have siblings to offer support. My only living parent is a lost cause, and one of my brothers is also a lost cause. One of my sisters is severely Autistic...so that leaves one brother, and two sisters. He has no siblings he knows (two are half and he's never seen them, or heard them)...and the rest of his family is OFP. So...yeah...that leaves three people. One is having a very hard time right now, the other is in a toxic and controlling relationship, and the last has three kids and a husband of her own to juggle. Oy...so I"M ALONE!!!! And before anyone mentions that fictitious world that is displayed on Army Wives...there are NO FRGs like that in the Army. We've been in for almost three full years now, and there has never been an FRG. Not once have I met someone from the FRG. Not once did we do something as spouses. We were invited to earn money for the FRG-which was then used for the single soldier events (yup, family readiness funded more BOSS activities). And that is that. So, I have to reach out. I have a few friends I love DEARLY...but I am so scared of getting hurt that I hide behind a screen. I have had my fair share (more than my fair share in my eyes) of hurt. Three times since living here at Ft. Sill (end of 2009, beginning of 2010) I've allowed people into my life, into my world, and put my faith in their friendship...three times I was stood up repetitively, put down, ignored, and treated like crap. Three times, I was hurt and left behind. So, I am reluctant to make those efforts again. But, a gal's gotta do what a gal's gotta do.
So, I need to take control of things. Forget that many days I'm nauseous and sore and have a hard time making it to the fridge, let alone getting up and going out! I have to take control of my own happiness! Make the most out of the good days! :) And on bad days, focus on something positive.
So, for the past few days, I've been focused. I've been working (in full swing) on a few crochet projects, I have been hauling tail on our ministry blanket, and I started my own business (of sorts)! Much of the last item is a work in progress...but I'm getting there! I am also researching ways to get involved with other women who put such a strong emphasis on God. I am thinking of putting a bug in a few good friends' ears...hopefully we can start a WOMEN'S ministry online. I struggle as a wife, and a former feminist, to fully embrace the beautiful role God created for us. I struggle to let my husband have control, and to honor him the same way the church is to honor Christ. I struggle just as much as churches do; which gives me a new-found respect for churches. I just hope I can learn from my mistakes, with an open mind, and make the changes the business-focused establishments do not. Submission, as I see it now, is a beautiful thing. It shows how much I love God...and that love is growing stronger everyday. Everyday satan pushes harder, I tell him...I love God, and that's all there is to it. I know my struggles, and so does satan...and they keep rearing their ugly heads. But, I will prevail. With the love of God, I can overcome anything. Romans 8:18-30 (great passage by the way)...

What might have been

Recently, my body has been fighting me. Sounds odd, I know...but any of you with an Autoimmune disease can truly understand what I mean when I say, I am my own worst enemy. I've felt like poo. Fourteen day migraine, loss of coordination, feeling like I'm having tremors...I could go on forever. No point really. Then, today, the hubs' unit has a Christmas party. No big deal, right? Wrong! SHE is there...and there are pregnant people everywhere! Seriously? How on Earth are so many of these people fertile?! You've GOT to be kidding me. Everywhere I turned, there was a grim and somewhat vicious reminder of everything I can never be. The woman that has nearly ruined my marriage was everywhere I turned; what's worse, so was pregnancy. I had been doing so well with getting over it all. Over the indiscretions, the dishonesty, the lust, the lies, the hurt, and the feelings of inadequacy...and over the infertility, the feelings of failure and again of inadequacy. But, tonight I was challenged. For whatever reason, I was put to the ultimate test when I truly don't even feel like being awake, let alone mixed with the general population. But sure enough...there it all was, staring me in the face, as if to say, "come on...show us how strong you are now." And, I failed. I couldn't breathe. I felt as though everything I had suppressed with hours upon hours of sewing and crocheting and meditation and prayer was there to sabotage my successes! I broke out into a sweat, and just literally felt like I was going to have a melt down. I had one friend there, and he was a MAJOR contributor to my problems. I haven't forgotten. I've forgiven, but I cannot continue to have these feelings and bitterness emerge every time we're in this situation, or any future situation that may open scars. I had to get out of there. I took off. Yup...flight or fight...and I flew out that front door, into the biting cold, and unforgiving Oklahoma wind. I could breathe again (even though the cold and wind were taking my breath, I could breathe more than I could inside). I suppose part of this is good, though it simply reiterates how much I will never measure up. I suppose part of this is helpful, for I have to face and come to grips with what might have been...and what can never be. However, at the moment, I feel like a failure in every sense of the term. I let myself down, my husband down, and I'm so disappointed in the fact that I was disillusioned. I haven't moved on. I'm not fine. It's NOT okay! It's just NOT! I'm still mad. I'm still hurt. I'm still having those same feelings...I'm just ignoring them. That's not okay, that's denial. Here I am...queen of denial. Not cool man...just not cool.
So, now I've got to figure out what's next. I thought we patched this hole in our union. I thought I moved on and let go of the resentment I built because of the betrayal. I was wrong (someone should note this date...this isn't something I say often). I thought I was ready to re-emerge from self-induced seclusion, and face the fact that I am now infertile. I thought I was okay to see pregnant women and not break down and cry, or get that horrid lump in my throat as I make those squishy tear-fighting faces...nope. I was wrong again! I hate being wrong. So now, now that I've had this fantastically untimely epiphany, I've got to figure out what's next...what now?

Undercover blessings

If you stop what you're doing right now, and look all around you, I'm confident you'll see beauty. Sure, you'll notice that you have yet to finish cleaning up after your last meal, or you have to repaint your den, or you need to service your car, or you want to add some landscaping to your front yard. If you stop what you're doing right now, and focus on your body, I'm confident you'll see beauty. Sure, you may have over eaten on Thanksgiving, or you need to touch up your roots, or your arthritis is acting up because of all this chilly weather. But tell me, how many blessings do you see?
In the middle of September, I was told by doctors that I would never carry another child unless I used assistive surgeries like IUI or IVF. These surgeries are quite frankly outrageous! $15 g's and there is NO guarantee the egg will take or thrive. Wow, I don't know about you, but I certainly do not have $15 grand to throw at an arrogant doctor, who may or may not care about the success of the procedure, especially not while we have such a socialist in the White House. I was devastated. My husband took a couple hours off work to attend the appointment with me. As we walked from the doctor's office, he was silent, but tense. The grief was palpable. He knew just how I was feeling, exactly what I was thinking. He knew. When we arrived at our cars (we drove separately and he met us there), he tried so desperately to comfort me, but I held firm that all was well, and he was fine to return to his job. I was lying. After he pulled away and was out of sight, I sat there...car running...staring at the beautiful clouds, the blue sky, the changing leaves, all the beauty. Tears were streaming down my face, and I began to sob. "Why!" I just wanted to know why...I'm a GOOD mother. I love my two children. I'm supportive, I'm compassionate, I'm affectionate, I'm playful, and just adore children period. Why is it, then, that such horrible people can have babies with no struggle? I have cousins who have 12 kids between the two of them, and they've completely walked away from each one of those babies. They choose drugs, partying, and men over their own children. They have no hesitation when they give each baby to it's Grandma, or father, or whomever. I know people, right now, who are pregnant and are complaining because the baby isn't a boy or girl or whatever...or they didn't want another child. I grew up with a mother who chose drugs, partying, drinking, bars, and the wild scene over all six of her own children...SIX! But, I am not blessed enough to have six? Or three for that matter??
After a couple months of hidden tears, silent prayers, break downs in the oval office, and resentment...I've learned so much about myself and God. Our God is a loving God. He is gracious, merciful, and giving. He is, after all, the man responsible for giving us all that breaths, all the we see, all of everything. Each one of us have what I'll call skills (as I reference Napoleon Dynamite while discussing religion...gotta love the way the mind works). God is not oblivious to these skills, as He is the one who made us! My skill set is very apparent, as I wear my emotions on my sleeve. Children are at the very core of my heart. Each time I hear of something awful happening to these innocent little ones who want nothing more than love and acceptance, I just cringe and cry my eyes out. Each time I ask myself, and pray, and wonder "how can I serve our Lord, where can I reach out?" I come back to the same place. My newly diagnosed infertility is NOT a curse. It is NOT a punishment. It's what I'll call an undercover blessing.
Sometimes in life, things happen. At the time, they are devastating, and horrible, and heart wrenching. But eventually, because of these events, we are lead to where we are supposed to be, we find an opening that allows us to do what we were always meant to do. If you read in the Bible, it is stated clearly that we will not understand God's ways, and we aren't meant to understand them. I questioned our Lord, and was angry, and sad, and hurt...but now, I turn to Him and throw up my hands in praise! Holy, holy, holy! Our Lord works in amazing ways! I may never bring another child into this world, but I can bring love, stability, compassion, and Christianity to those who have nothing. I can advocate for those who are abused. I can reach out to those who are being raised as I was raised. Now that my body is freed, and my grief is dwindling, I can focus on what He wants me to do. I have been so selfish, wanting Him to do more for me...but what have I done for Him?
So, when you start letting things get to you, and you start getting grumpy, or bitter, or even just angry about what you DON'T have...look around you. You have more than you'll ever know...at least until you open your eyes and your heart!

"I gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which I must stop and look fear in the face...I say to myself, I’ve lived through this and can take the next thing that comes along." -- Eleanor Roosevelt

The quote above was listed in my facebook news feed this morning. It nearly jumped off the page at me, and fit so many things in my life right now!
Yesterday I had a doc appointment (uro) for a cystoscopy. Let me tell you without being too descriptive...it hurt. It still hurts today. But that's neither here nor there. I was diagnosed with Interstitial Cystitis. For nearly two months now, the docs have assumed I have IC. They have discussed it, squabbled over it, and wasted my time and tax payer's dollars. Finally, they sent me to Doc Crimmins (great guy btw) and he officially diagnosed it. I'm thankful he was so thorough and did the cystoscopy to rule out anything deeper or more severe; but, I could have lived without the pain. He (like Doc Haas) mentioned concerns over the uterine hyperplastic growth. He also mentioned that the Adenomyosis may contribute to some of the flares of IC. Lastly, he requested that I see a GI doc. Of course, he didn't know my PCM already put a referral in, and I have an appointment Dec 15th to see the most widely sought Gastroenterologist in this half of Oklahoma. Amazingly enough, he's right in Lawton, so what proves to be hours of traveling for others is simply twenty minutes for me! Thankfully! This is the first specialist I've seen in Lawton, so it's nice to not have to account for much travel time. My PCM thinks I have Crohn's. The uro said he can't diagnose is (for obvious reasons) but he also confirmed that to him, it does sound like Crohns. I'm not thrilled about this. This is just another barrier, another hurdle, another challenge. But, this is where that quote from the lovely Eleanor (love that name) Roosevelt comes into play. I've dealt with affliction for years now, and I will overcome or learn to live gracefully with the newest hurdles. A very dear friend (who also suffers from various afflictions) listed some Biblical verses about affliction, and how such pain and suffering can be almost a blessing of sorts.
"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." (2 Cor 12:9)
"When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken." (Psalm 34:17-20)
"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day." (2 Cor 4:16)
One thing I can say about the many diagnoses I have been handed over the past three years is that my relationship with our Lord has only grown. Yes, my pain and affliction does have something to do with this growth. But, I do think I would have pulled in to Him without them. Each day I have my hurdles. Every morning, I have a ritual that is not common for a "normal" person. My life is full of difference, pain, and challenge; but with grace and faith I know that because of these, and because of the ever-growing thorn in my side, He is with me. I know that it could be worse. I could be suffering as much as others. My suffering (though it may seem major from time-to-time) is incredibly minor compared to that of Christ. And if our beloved could suffer like that for each of us, then my battles are minute and worth every second that I am here, in pain, growing closer to Christ.

Aside from affliction, the next month will be quite an emotional challenge for me. The end of November marks the anniversary (if you will) of the last time I spoke to my dear Gramma. To many, it seems silly to mourn the loss of a Gramma so deeply. But, she was our parent. Because my parents were both addicts, and were absent much of our lives, our dearest Grams stepped in and guided us. She was the light through all those years of darkness. She was the laughter when our little hearts just wanted to cry. She was the only form of hope we had, until we were forbidden to see her. I cannot wrap my mind and heart around her absence. Being so far from home makes it seem like I'm simply not calling and being irresponsible, but in reality I can't call for she has left this world. I miss her so greatly. But taking her role in this dysfunctional family has helped to alleviate some of the pain. Learning to sew has helped alleviate the loss. Now, if only I could call her and tell her I learned something she couldn't...how to crochet! I could just imagine her pointing her crooked pointer finger, smelly cigarette in between pointer and middle, and her "quacking" at me...calling me light profanity (LOL) and demanding I teach her! <3

BIG changes!!

So as my husband and I journey through this rebirth together, we have each found our own personal focus. For example, my love has decided he wants to pursue collegiate education in ministry. Moreover, he is now focused on creating a prison ministry in this area. What a great idea! Not only is he working toward a new degree, and trying to help prisoners reconnect with our Lord; but also, he is looking to volunteer with various organizations, is arranging a food drive for the local food bank with his unit, and is also looking to help me make soup and feed the homeless as the cold season inches closer! What a blessing he is to all who encounter him! I am so incredibly lucky to have such a tremendous and inspirational man at my side! Thank you Lord!
As for the rest of us, well Caleb is participating in a soccer tournament this weekend. He seems to be doing well in school, and his frequency of treatments has decreased substantially. We are due for another session, but I keep praying that his place on the spectrum will fade as he grows and learns more of the "acceptable" actions, thoughts, and so on. Autism is not an easy beast to live with, it's the giant elephant in the room, it's the huge hurdle we carry with us everywhere. Thankfully, we're slowly making connections with others who understand and share the same challenges.
Miss Hannah is doing well. She (at 13 months) can now tell you what a cat and dog both say. She also kisses everything and everyone she meets LOL she has a smile for everyone, and dances like there is no tomorrow! Currently, she loves Bubble Guppies, and the Fresh Beat Band's song "A Friend Like You" I have never seen a little chubby baby run and dance like this! So CUTE! <3 Again, how blessed am I to have such adorable, strong, and inspirational people all around?!
As for myself, well I have an interview tomorrow (not really an interview...more like a meeting of sorts) with a CASA case worker, and then my training starts on Thursday. I am so incredibly excited to start volunteering with this organization! I want, more than anything, to make a difference in these children's lives. No one ever intervened and gave my siblings and I a chance...no one offered hope for us. We were bred in hatred, raised in violence, and set up for failure from day one. I will not allow that to happen to these children. SO many innocent lives have been lost this past year because of DHS short comings. I pray the Lord helps me, and guides me so that I may do what is absolutely best for the children I encounter. I am incredibly passionate about this cause. But, I am simply a messenger. May HIS will be done, and may HE guide me, and the courts...so that no more precious children be lost, no more babies fall victim...

Walking through the darkness

As a Christian in today's crazy, hedonistic world it has come to my attention being politically correct, and giving religious freedom, and no persecuting people because of their religious beliefs does not apply when these things are being directed toward my people. Sex, alcohol, partying, violence, it's all becoming so rampant that it is a faux pas to not engage in such behavior. And if you speak out against any of this, shame on you! Such a fuddy duddy...but in reality it's a sad world. Strip clubs have taken precedence over marriage vows. Athieism has taken precedence over the right to believe. Celebrating death has become more prominent than worshiping Jesus because of His death. I cannot begin to tell you how disheartening this is. It almost makes a person want to shut off communication with the outside world. Even those who bear our name, "Christian" are engaging in this behavior and thinking if they simply attend mass on Saturday, or worship services on Sunday then it's okay. They can ask for forgiveness and all is well. Guess what guys, WRONG!!! Sure, God forgives you. Sure if you do something wrong, you can be forgiven. But if you do it wrong, knowing you'll have to ask for forgiveness on Sunday, or knowing that what you're doing is a sin, but you put thoughts of flesh above thoughts of the Spirit...it's a double whammy!! I'm disgusted right now. Not bitter, but certainly in a hermit mood. So sad when people think it's okay for their spouse to lust...as long as he/she comes home to you. So sad when people think drinking 3 or 4 beers every night isn't wrong, or setting a bad example for your children. When did bars become more popular than churches? When did it become okay for Athiests to openly bash Christians, but if it is reciprocated, we're violating their rights? What is wrong with the world today? I mean, seriously people. Get a grip.

Hurdles, blessings, and bumps

Things have been chaotic around the Walsh household recently. Caleb has his first soccer practice this Wednesday. He's incredibly excited. Miss Hannah is trying to walk around a bit by herself and will be ONE in just a short fifteen days! Too quickly! Joe is working, and is in cycle as usual and that means he is a rare face around the homestead. As for me...well I'm a mess truly. I had surgery Monday (the 29th) and that surgery was basically a waste of time and money. I have to have another surgery. Doc wants to do a total hysterectomy, but I'm just not ready. I'm not even 30 yet, and that just seems way too young to have a hysterectomy. So, he said there is another procedure he can do to help me out. But, of course, more surgeries equal more adhesions, which will eventually equate even more pain later on. Not to mention, this is considered a more major surgery than my simple laparoscopies. There will be a more sizable incision in my abdomen, and Doc will be in there longer than simply 20 minutes. I'm nervous. I am uncertain. What am I to do? I told God in all my prayers that I just wanted ONE more child and I'd be happy...now I'm selfishly pushing for one more again. Is this my punishment for being greedy? Am I even being greedy? Do I risk my health to have this surgery now? Or just go ahead and do the hysterectomy and regret it later on? What do I do?

Pray...that's what I do. I pray regularly...and that's the only solace I find. That and overcompensating with my children. I know there are other ways to have more children. We can adopt, we can foster, we can find a surrogate. I know. But, I liked being pregnant. I love it honestly. I guess this is a true hurdle, a true trial, a definite test of faith.

On a side note, my dear husband and son are getting baptized when we go back home!! How exciting!! Just a short two years ago my husband was agnostic and questioning. Now, he's seeking his degree in ministry and getting baptized! Praise the Lord!! Very big things happening here!

Lastly, currently I am searching desperately for ways to minister to children who come from disadvantaged back grounds. This doesn't only mean poor families. I want to reach out to children whose parents are using street drugs, children whose parents are absent for various reasons, children who are growing up in areas where gangs are prevalent...there is such a HUGE need for these children to be positively guided...I just have to find some way to get started. Thus far, no luck. But I'm determined and it will happen!!!

What doesn't kill us...

So I like to believe those old "Roseanne" theme song lyrics, "What doesn't kill us is making us stronger..." I'd like to believe that no matter how hard things get, no matter what challenges lie in front of us, and no matter how badly we want to give up, we will survive. We will rise above, overcome, and walk away from it all just fine. But that's not the case, is it?
Today we get the results from the polysomnogram. It has me a complete mess of nerves. Thankfully, we've gone through an entire week with no episodes. Thankfully, she's not blue. Thankfully, all is well on the outside. We'll see what comes of our appointment today...it could end a number of ways, and honestly as long as we find out that it WILL in fact be okay, then I'm good with it.
In other news, I've learned this week that you can truly rely on no one except yourself and God. I've learned that not one person will ever truly be there ALL the time...well, I have a sister who is there for me ALL the time...but all others, will inevitably turn their backs. It's an awful feeling to feel so alone when all you want is a friend, a supportive hug, words of encouragement. You would think in such a time, family would pull closer. I mean, seriously, we're 1000 miles from family, my husband is gone ALL the time with the Army, and it seems my world is falling apart. But, instead, everyone pulls the "out of sight, out of mind" and shows no concern or compassion. Instead, people initiate drama, and reiterate their contempt for me...but what doesn't kill me will make me stronger. And instead of mourning the loss of relationships I could have had...instead of mourning the loss of the relationships lost...I've decided to pray for those who do wrong to us. Now, at this given moment, that may be a great deal of people (and some you would think one wouldn't have to pray for), but that's okay. I've got strong knees and insomnia...so I have all the time in the world to ensure my prayer list is complete.

Have a little faith...

Not only is this the title of my very favorite Mitch Albom novel, but it is also a great way to live. Have a little faith is not necessarily a comment made purely tied to religious sentiments either...you can have faith beyond the Bible of course. *Not to say that religious faith is a bad thing, it's quite beautiful* Anyway, recently, we've been struggling with some things. Our miracle baby has had quite a few close encounters. Three times now, I've found her blue, unresponsive, and limp. Quite a scare! Thankfully, after some persuasion, she begins to breathe and is fine. This has been going on for a while now, and we've had some tests done but now wait (impatiently might I add) for the results. Needless to say, this has not been sitting well for me. I've developed some control issues in my adult life, as a defense mechanism I suppose. In this specific instance, I want to hover over her, monitoring her every movement, and her every respiration. I want to stay awake and watch her every single second of the day...and honestly, for the first few days, I tried REALLY hard to do this. But, then (somewhat out of the blue) I realized, I am not in control of this. I have absolutely no control. I can do everything in my power (make sure she sleeps with no blankets, pillows, stuffed animals, etc), but even if I sit there and hover over her, I am still not in control. I found this thought to be almost paralyzing. I cannot fathom not being in control of how long my children are with me. I cannot imagine now waking up just in the nick of time, and instead not catching this and coming to the rescue. I cannot imagine this, and frankly don't want to. So instead of wearing myself out completely, running myself ragged, and just going completely insane, I realized I must remain a pillar of strength for her, my son, and my husband. I have to be fully in control...but OF MYSELF! What a novel concept. I am in control, but it wasn't the control I thought I needed to have...I must control my reaction. I have to learn to have faith...not only that God will do what he must, and will only give what I can handle; but also, I must learn to have faith in myself and the situations that present. I am in control, I just have to learn how to have enough faith in humanity and life itself so that next time this happens, I can contain that control to my own personal spastic knee-jerk reaction. It's a difficult concept to digest really, but once you let go, and just pray for the best...things really start to calm down.

They just keep growing!!!

So, as I'm sure every parent can relate, my children just will not quit growing! Sis cracks me up, she is now giggling profoundly, gabbing nonstop at her newest toys (her hands and feet), and laughs her butt off each time she toots. It's hilarious! What a great little personality! She is fascinated by her brother, the dogs, and Daddy. It's been nice (the holiday season) around the homestead recently because the hubs has been off work for two (almost three) weeks. She has gotten some great bonding time with him, and he has truly fallen in love even more deeply with our little bundle of laughter and joy.
Bubba is also getting too big-for his britches as the saying goes. He has been popping off some hilarious and witty things recently. Love that he has such spunk and vigor! It's great! He is also such a great big brother. My little girl will forever be protected by him, I am confident by this. He already hovers over her, watching for any harm or any movement. Sometimes he's a bit overbearing, but what big brother isn't?

A different tune...

So, I've decided to take a different tune with this blog. Originally, it was to keep family updated on what was going on in our lives as we entered this adventure with the Army. Now, I've decided to make it more personal. That's what it should be. It's my blog, after all...

With that being said, here is my thought of the day. How does one go about rebuilding trust and faith after it has been shattered? Trust and faith in anything, a relationship, a belief, humanity, an organization...anything. How do you rebuild? Where do you start? I ask this for very personal reasons. I am not one to openly trust just anyone. Never really have been...and I have very valid reasons for this. But as time continues and more betrayals are experienced, it makes it quite difficult to not become reclusive. I feel as though sometimes I'd be better served to shut my money in a safe behind a painting, work from home via personal computer, and have a personal assistant to run my errands. I feel as though raising children in such a society is too risky, and they should be home schooled and sheltered from all the pain I've found. Then, I quit running through my fight or flight scenario and realize that to fight is surely the only way. I was never raised to be weak (though looking at my childhood, you'd think weakness was inevitable). I was not raised to give up and hide away. I was born fighting and have been fighting since. Twenty-eight long years I've been fighting...why stop now? Thus, I must find this answer. I have to know...how on Earth does one rebuild trust? Yes, seemingly, the easy answer is to have faith in something. But with a complete inability to have faith in anything deeper than the inevitability of being hurt or betrayed again, I find myself on a never ended windmill.

Then begins the psychoanalysis of society as a whole. This alarms me. As I was driving home channel surfing the other day, I came across a radio station who had two guest speakers-a pastor and his wife. They were spouting statistics regarding infidelity. Did you know that some 70% of relationships have endured some level of infidelity? 70%! That's astronomical! And 23% of those have strong ties to their church (meaning they are a reverend, pastor, deacon, bishop, or whatever...)...wow. What does that say about society? Seven out of ten men or women will engage in inappropriate sexual relationships with someone other than their spouse! I guess this would explain why this has honestly happened to me in three of my four serious relationships. Though I've only been married twice, I had two serious relationships between #1 and #2...and from my first husband to the last person I dated before my current husband I experienced nothing but infidelity. People tried to tell me that this is not a common thing. I just have bad taste in men. I asked for it by dating that caliber of person. It was my fault for being too needy, or too controlling, or too uninvolved, or not affectionate enough...whatever. Now I know that this is way more common than people like to admit. Seven out of ten is shockingly common! I'm a pessimist but truly didn't think it was such an epidemic. What has happened to society to make it so shallow and sexually oriented? Are we all truly just animals, waiting for the next moment of heat? With no regard for emotion, loyalty, responsibility, accountability, and empathy? Apparently. My dog humps less inanimate objects than seven out of ten! Really does not help my lack of faith in humanity.
And on another topic, to deviate from relationships, the fact that one cannot trust anyone that is encountered via business deal is alarming too! If you try to sell someone something, you literally have to double and triple check everything, or you'll surely be made a fool of. Nothing can truly make anyone safe from being defrauded. Lurkers are out there waiting. These people wait it out and jump like velociraptors the instant they find one trusting individual. They seem like normal and decent people. And once they've found a good, honest person they use phrases like "good faith"...I'm sorry, but once the word faith has been associated with such a negative occurrence, it makes having it look that much scarier. Why is it that doing the right thing, and trying to be trustworthy and honest ends up being the reason we were victimized? Why is it that when this is reported, we are told there is nothing that can be done? Why is it that when you place faith in an organization that you have done business with for the better part of a decade, they leave you hanging with your rear end out so the wolves can nibble at convenience? What happened to accountability? What happened to honesty? If every direction you turn, you find betrayal...where do you begin to trust again? Where do you turn for sanctity? Where do you find serenity and safety? Tell me, where do you start?

Hannah Faith

Finally, she's here, we're home and life is settling back into a routine! Hannah Faith arrived after a difficult and scary labor. Her arrival has tested and built our faith in so many different ways. I have never felt so lucky in all my life. My babies are perfect, and life is good!
It took my husband and I over a year to get pregnant. Just as I gave up, we were blessed to find out we had a baby on the way! Then, through the first trimester, I was on bed rest and constantly warned by my OB to take it easy for miscarriage was likely. After that were the twice weekly NSTs that lasted until the end of pregnancy. It was a long road. But we made it. September 20th we went to RACH to be induced. I was 1 cm dilated, so they gave me meds to get things going. After 13 hours at 1 cm, my body just basically erupted! I went from 1 to 10 in 2 hours and 36 minutes, and have never been in so much pain in all my life! Never! Towards the end, I developed a fever and just felt horribly. Finally, a nurse came in because our baby's heart rate was dropping substantially during each contraction. Once we commenced with delivery, the OB discovered her heart rate was dropping because the cord was wrapped around her neck, and was in a perfect knot further up! Thankfully, baby Hannah arrived and was healthy! So many scares, but such a blessing!

Waiting

Recently, many changes have come our way. Our baby girl is due September 23rd, but it has been predicted that she will arrive early (if we even make it to our induction date)...each day I wait. So many days I feel like she will be here any day now, and other days I am so lost in thought and the other daily challenges that I feel like we have the full two and a half weeks left! I know that's not the case, but life clouds our minds and keeps us unfocused (or overly focused).
Being finished with my degree program, but not pursuing employment or any other professional endeavors is so difficult for me. I feel lost. I've come to realize I have a passion for learning, and passion to continue my education, and to provide education to others. Thus, I have changed my degree focus from Social Work to Special Education. I found a graduate degree offered through Texas Tech in Special Education with a focus on Autism, which is perfect for me! Thus, I am studying to take my GRE so I can apply and hopefully get accepted. I am also STILL waiting on all of the audits to be completed for my undergraduate degree to be sent out...it's a long and arduous process obviously, but should not be much longer!
After over a year, we are finally making some headway with Caleb. It took us over a year to get him diagnosed fully, find a provider, and develop both an IEP and care plan for him. Now if only we could get the schools to work with us, and have a little extra patience to plan and make the bi-weekly trips to his therapist (which is quite a haul) and change our lives to fit his needs. It's not easy. It's trying, it's frustrating, and it's even nerve-wrecking. But it is for my son, and that means I will do anything...I am just optimistic that things will improve. Because as we go farther along into the school year and his adolescence, his symptoms are exacerbating.
And Army life is just as trying as ever...with appointment as the new UMO, TDY orders are tangible and many new changes are coming up. I am thankful he will be here for Hannah's arrival, but fear he is going to miss a great deal of her first years...I suppose that is what we signed up for, as I understand he must serve our nation, protect our country, and defend the freedoms of others as well...but it's not always an easy reality to swallow.

Turbulence

Well as the summer draws to an end, life is throwing curve ball after curve ball our way. First, Joe has finally joined his permanent unit. Thankfully there are no deployment talks that are immediate concerns. That is a huge relief, especially with everything coming our way! Next, Caleb's therapies begin tomorrow as we have our very first appointment since his diagnosis. I am anxious to see what comes our way and what remedies we can find, at least tools. No one seems to really understand high functioning forms of Autism, and this can leave one feeling rather isolated with little to no support at all. I am hopeful (at best) that things go well tomorrow, but I suppose we'll just have to play it by ear! And last, we found out today that our baby girl will not go the full 40 and will be here at least one week early!! Depending on the results of my labs, the doctor is looking to induce at least one week early, possibly two if the pre-eclampsia sets in heavier and if my other health issues do not improve. One thing after another it seems...perhaps that is life.

Hannah Faith

So with ten weeks left in this pregnancy, we can say definitely that we are naming our girl Hannah Faith. I'm not sure how many of you are familiar with Biblical passages, but our son's name is Biblical (Caleb) and Hannah seemed to fit our situation so perfectly. First, the story of Hannah is primarily about a woman who prayed and prayed for a baby and was smited by many community members for wanting a child. Needless to say, she was blessed with her baby. Although our stories are not entirely parallel, this baby girl took a lot of patience, prayer, and faith. Faith, her middle name, is symbolic to how we got through all the health struggles to finally be able to have her.

When we first found out she was a girl, Caleb instantly said "since I don't get a brother, do I get to name her?" I was apprehensive to proceed but asked him what name he had in mind...his response, Hannah. Perfect! After research for meanings (we stuck with the Hebrew meaning which is gracious) and so on, we've made it official (which means we've purchased items with her name on it lol). So, ten weeks left and our little family will be perfect. Of course, I've always thought of us as perfect (I suppose I have a bias).

In other news, Joe finally graduated from OBC and AOT, which means he is officially an Artillery Officer! OBC was so challenging for him, and for us. I've never seen him work so hard, and still be so exhausted, stressed, and far behind! The hours were intense, the homework was intense, and it seemed the harder he worked, the more they piled on him. But he made it! We made it! Now, after a short hiatus, he will be joining the 75th FAR, more specifically the 3-13 where he'll function as a PL. It's very nerve-wrecking at this point, as the 1st battalion is already in Afghanistan, the 2nd battalion is preparing to go to Korea...so we are very nervously waiting to hear what he'll be doing! I'm thankful we've gotten through all the training, but deep down a very small and somewhat selfish part of me misses the certainty that came with TRADOC. I knew he wasn't going to deploy until his training was finished. Now, that long-dreaded "D" word it tangible and scarier than ever. I suppose this is where strengthening our faith and our marriage will come in handy.

A bambino

Finally, after a little over one year...we are pregnant. I've been wanting to update my blog to share such joyous news, but have just been exhausted! There is no way to even describe it other than pure, overwhelming exhaustion! I am eleven weeks pregnant as of this past Monday, and currently I weigh 130.7 pounds (which is up three pounds from two weeks ago). My pants don't fit, my baby tees no longer fit, I have been battling the lack of digestion, and hormonal roller coasters. Can't seem to feel appealing during all this as I am always nauseous and always tired. I've been here before but really do not remember the nausea and fatigue being this bad. I always heard the first pregnancy was the worst...but honestly, I'm thinking thus far this one is way worse!
The hubs is nervous and on edge. I am telling you, he has spent hours upon hours over the last three weeks talking about the future, investment, and retirement. He is freaking out I think, but I am sure once things slow down and he realizes that I quite have a handle on this he will be able to breathe. Until then...well he certainly isn't getting any thicker up top! Ahh...but I love my balding paranoid provider husband. He's good to us. This is his first time of being around me pregnant. He wasn't around for the first one, so 8 years later, here he is freaking out. He is so funny...he wants to do all the vacuuming, all the dishes, all the grocery shopping, and any cleaning that involves super smelly chemicals. Silly guy, but a very thoughtful notion still. Part of me (the fatigued and nauseas side) wants to let him...but the rational side knows that he simply cannot do all that while working 50-60 hours a week! So, I do my very best to battle the challenges of the day, and get it done while he is gone. Considering we only get an average of ten hours a week together (not including weekends) this really isn't that difficult. The difficult part is moving period. But, in a week and a half we'll be entering the second trimester and all of this will hopefully be behind us, I should be able to muster more energy and less nausea. Who knows, maybe I'll be able to eat an entire meal. All I know is I am going to stop talking about food, as I can already feel the tummy yucks peeking their nasty head into my evening!

It's been a while...

Alright, so it's been a while since I've been on here...things have been crazy busy! We PCS'd and let me say, it was my first and worst PCS. About two weeks after we moved in, our mentor passed...it hit home hard. And one week later, my husband's training was pushed up three months! So, with a 20 something hour notice, he was off...and is still off. We have no idea when his next phase (OBC) will begin. I am fairly confident it'll be pushed up. Life would be too easy if it weren't.
But on a happier note, my sister just had her third baby! A beautiful baby girl! I cannot wait to go visit so I can hold her! I'm so happy for her! It's a torn sensation though, our infertility struggles really make baby fever kick into hyper drive when I see pictures of her. She is precious.
Tomorrow is going to be rough. The recent Ft. Hood tragedy has many things on my mind...as I am sure it has impacted many of us. This jidadist activity has me terrified. But it brings up a very valuable point that I hope the military and government take into account and correct: Hasan was investigated by the DoD before this happened, and the investigation was dropped! People have become paranoid of being labeled racist or being seen as a racial profiler, in addition there has been name slinging by those who can be seen as jihadi supporters! "Islamophobia" is a term they have used. Phobia, yes I would say it is fear of being politically incorrect that halted the investigation by the DoD. So it would be that same fear that cost us many lives. This hatred is breeding within our own military! The US military is one of the largest and most powerful militaries in the world. If we allow these terrorists, the supporters of "Islamofacism" to enter our military, our very foundation has been shaken! This conflict hits home on every level!! First, I am an American, and the Islamic extremists have waged war against America and all it's "kaffir" inhabitants, labeling us infidels. Secondly, my husband and I have been on our own religious quest-starting with Buddhism, Catholicism, all the way through Christianity...and we finally decided we want to convert to Judaism! Now, that is great, and I am happy; however, as usual, the Jewish community has also been targeted by the extremists (again). And, more importantly, my husband serves in the US Army. I cannot pray enough, I cannot find any comfort that does not come from scripture or the arms of my husband. Since he isn't here...scripture will have to do. This Islamic extremism has me scared, has me angry, and has me focused like I have never been focused before. I just wish the leadership of this nation would wake up and focus as well!

We've only just begun

August 27, 2009 my husband graduated OCS class 011-09 Echo company! Woo hoo! He became a 2LT within the United States Army and will begin his Field Artillery Officer training within the next year! I was so proud of him, words cannot illustrate the emotions that coursed through my body as the love of my life walked with pride and accomplishment across that stage to accept his commission. Wow...it was truly amazing! This entire journey so far has evoked so many different changes. One thing I can say is we have truly grown, as individuals and as a couple. What a great start to such a turbulent career path. I am so proud of my husband, of my LT. He is amazing, and I am confident he will prove an asset to the US Army, and to any FA PL he leads! Congrats hubby!



And two days before that, we were able to attend his company's formal, which served as a celebration for all 132 graduates for that class. It was so fun! I met some really great people, and had a blast talking to the new sgt's wife. She was such a doll! I was totally freaked out before the formal though. I have been taking hormonal supplements to help with fertility, and my weight and body mass fluctuates with each cycle of pills. Well, when I bought my dress for the formal, I hadn't taken any supplements, as I was out. But the day before I tried my dress on for my husband, and it wouldn't zip! Talk about major spaz mode!! Luckily, JCPenney took it back and had an even more adorable and form flattering dress for the same price! All-in-all this has proven to be an eventful and amazing journey...and we've only just begun

AS

Changes impact everyone involved...everyone, adult or child. Well, with all the changes recently, with my husband being gone for his training, and the inconsistency of the visits and so on I have seen changes in my son. At first, I was thinking it was purely stress related, as my son is incredibly structure-oriented. As I continue to watch him, and see the changes in him, I am becoming more and more concerned. He is having trouble socializing (he's only 6), he is becoming lethargic, obsessed with the Army, and is changing all the way around. I am so worried about him. His biological father has ADHD and my youngest sister has Autism (severe). Both of these disorders are genetic, and with my son having Austistic spectrum disorders on both sides...the chances are increased. Well, after research (and having worked with disabled children and adults for 7 years) I am afraid my son has Asperger's syndrome. I have done extensive research on this disorder, and have worked one-on-one with children who have it a year back, and all the information I am finding is only making me worry more. At first, I thought he was just struggling to adjust to the changes, and took drastic measures to try to help him adjust (keeping him busy, new activities, family day as often as possible, and so on). Now I am convinced it is more. Each time we go to the park, he struggles to communicate with the other children. He can play with the younger children, but not those his own age. If anyone knows anything about Asperger's Syndrome, please let me know! I want to devour all information so I can prepare myself to help provide the best life possible for my son! I haven't spoken with his pediatrician yet, as we were just there a couple weeks ago. I just want to have all my ducks in a row before going to talk with her...

In My Life

So I had to use that subject for the title because it is just too fitting. This past Valentine's Day my husband and I wed. My son walked me down the aisle and did the honors of giving me away. For the dance with the one who gave me away (my adorable son), I chose that song. It just seemed so fitting, you know? If you listen to the lyrics...it puts into perspective just how our life together has been. Through all the trials and tribulations, all the struggles and challenges...he's there. Our children are blessings, and should never be taken for granted. Each morning they bring a smile to our face, and each night we beam with pride and love. Motherhood is truly amazing!
Today, as Caleb climbed on the school bus, he touched my heart. He turned around, winked and gave me a huge heart-melt smile and said, "I love you Momma." He was the only child to do so, as all other children are too embarrassed by their parents. It's moments like these that just melt my heart. He is amazing, and so loving. And to my dear Caleb, the Beatles said it best when they said...'in my life, I love you more'...